The internal thougt process of a disillusioned mind.

I just saw a friend who could have been so much more. And so much more you have become. I can not afford to presume things and destroy the "you" that I have come to know. I can not even afford to let the "offenses" (if any) to make my feelings towards you any bitter. However, I can not, and will not lose my self respect either.


There was a call which I am yet to return. I shall do the same in a few weeks. I shall prepare myself for anything that "whoever" might want to dish out, but I will not stand down from what I believe in. If it requires me to face any consequences, come what may.


I write this not as a challenge, but as a conviction I hold. I truly do not see much going back from what has happened now and I am not a rose spectacled moron, but its something that I will not have again in my life. It is the first time I am in love and I can only stand by my right to exist, perceive and feel.

However, anyone who can give me one "free" reason for being guilty, I am prepared to face any consequences. When I say free however, I talk about anything derogatory or hurtful or even manipulative that I might have done. And I know it for a fact that that is not the case. This post shall remain live only till I do not call back. So take any meanings out of it if you will.

PS: You know it.

किसी मोड़ पर फिर मुलाकात होगी

चरागों को आँखों में महफ़ूज़ रखना
बड़ी दूर तक रात ही रात होगी

मुसाफ़िर हैं हम भी मुसाफ़िर हो तुम भी 
किसी मोड़ पर फिर मुलाकात होगी .

I head for home

It has been some time since I have been home. The last time was January 1st,2010. Amma (Grandma) had passed away. It was strange how I had booked my tickets only two days ago. As If I was destined to be there on the day. Anyways, I must say this. I go back home this time with mixed feelings.

Had some of the recent things not happened, I would have told of "you" to my parents. I would have told them how much I felt for you what I had gone through. I would have, for I thought that the other side was "civil". Now the delusion is shattered. Just one word was enough. While I definitely will keep my end of the bargain by responding to the call on that number, I do not see any point in letting the family know, for It would only escalate things further.

Anyways, they would sense something is what I know. And I am not a great liar. So let us see how far can I take it.

PS: I just love you.

Momentary sunshine of a clueless mind.

There are colors limitless, unbound...
And the eerie silence's sound;
Work on I , all around,
Some things lost, something found.

For what maybe, I tend to sway,
Oblivious to the games people play;
I still love life, come what my way;
The autum noon, the burning may.

I take my my chances; to myself, true
Its okay, if it doesnt all come through
Forever in the know, that every moment is new
With one true faith: life gives whats due.

And on the road to the destiny divine,
It shall be truth that shall be mine
Times demand that I flex the spine,
For only then, the truth shall shine

And then I get the eerie feel
What may not seem that very real
For all the wit, application and zeal
May not, the soul, heal.

And then one may with some dismay
See some meaning in the pointless play
As the truth unravels with pain, as it may
That the path itself is the destiny, hey ! ;) .

Its amazing how you

Its amazing how you,
spake right to my haeart.

Without saying a word,
You would light up the dark.

Try as I may, I could never explain,
How I heard when you didn't say a thing.

The thought of your existence made me know that you're the only,
Was a truth in your thoughts, told that I'd never be lonely

The flick of a finger and you were gone ......

As if I never existed , as if having feelings for another human, another girl deserves punishment. Even if you yourself tell me that you took that decision, I would still know that you did not.

There are some things in life that we find out. However, there are some which we just know.

That I love you is one of them. That I know that your call would have been different is another. That you were seeking someone as stupid as me is the third.

That you would probably never read it is not one. I believe that one day, you would realize that it could have been a lot simpler and happier. The time is probably already over for me however, and that, despite having a sense of; I refuse to accept.

The coward (?) speaks.

I do not know if I actually am a coward. You intended to take me on on the phone, I did not respond immediately and promised to reply back and have not done so yet. I guess that does make me look like one. However, I will call you my fellow human. And while a part of me does want to revolt and swear back at you, but I will not.

I can not stop believing in what I know is right just because your social sensitivity is getting impacted. I love someone and that is reason enough for a human to talk to another. Infact it is the only reason. Anything that can refute that would be most welcome though. 

While she is sensitive and I understand that she might be upset because of all this, it will only make her stronger.

I wish her and you all the peace in the world. We shall talk soon.

My stance.

Talk about words, talk about human inability to look past choices they can not make, and talk about living with belief in one's values. Life sometimes tests us on our ability to stay true to our values.

I can but not be sorry for being myself.

I can but not be sorry for my feelings..

I can not be sorry for my beliefs. I have stuck to them, and look to do so for the rest of my life.


Somebody sometime talked about words and how they must be chosen wisely. Somebody else thinks that I can be "scared" into silence. It would take reason and emotions, fear would not silence me, I can promise on that count.

Talk about bad taste.

Today something happened which was inevitable. I have to respond, I will. But for now, I will be a little selfish and work on the ICICI Bank - Bank of Rajasthan Case that I must deliver by tomorrow evening. Any emotional overcharge could be catastrophic on the output.  I have already flunked two critical tests and can hardly afford any more goof-ups.

So if at all (whoever you were) you are reading this, kindly bear with me for a while. You have already done so for long enough, and I can not tell you how happy I am at the fact that the call came.

My stance however, still remains the same. I demand nothing but what I deserve. I do not see any wrong in expressing myself. I still believe in a lot of things, those things however have driven me to what I am at the moment and I can not be sorry for being myself. 

Nazar ?

Kabhi hum sochte hain ki wo ek khayaal hi to haii.....fir ye bhi sochte hain ki hum bhi to ek khayaal hi hain...fir ye bhi sochte hain ki hum shayad usse pyar islie nhi karte hain ki use paana chahte hain. Hum ye mehsoos karte hain ki wo kitni pyari hai or isiliye, sirf isiliye bas apni umr uske saath bitana chahte hain. Ab isme pata nhi kon sa bada hungama karne wali baat hai.

Mera sawal tab tak rahega ki shaadi karne ko to bola nhi maine, bas zindagi bhar saath dene ki jo khwahish thi wo hi bataai thi... ab ise agar tum shaant mann se na le saki to hum kya karein, or fir is karan se tum kyu humse baat tak nhi kar sakti ye bhi bata do to acha hoga.

Hum samajh sakte hain ki tumhe samajik apekshaon ki samasya hogi, par kya ye samajik bandhan tumhe kuch dekhne se rok rahe hain ? Kya aisa nahi hai ki tum ek insaan to takreeban poori tarh chor rahi ho jo tumhara (khene ko hi sahi), dost tha or wo bhi tab jab use tumhare maansik samarthan ki sabse jada zarurat thi ?

Kya tumko kuch bhi nazar nahi aata..... ? Or kyu tum aisa kar rhi ho jabki tum jaanti ho ki aisa karna zaruri nh, or behtar tarike hain.

Some food for thought.

This is not exactly a post, more like a reminder to myself to post about the following:

1. The idea of the different kinds of happiness-es that we seek in life (including the happiness that we derive from a loss, or even from unexpected quarters.)

2. The idea of how human beings define the idea of romantic love, and how it can actually last a lifetime, once entered into.

3. The strange emotions that get generated when you feel the loss of your love. And speculate on it's cause.

This looks like it.

(You however, must respond.) .