The mail.

That night was a little tough on me....I had just mailed my blunt expression of love to her.... I felt like a thousand butterflies in my stomach....the feeling was like I was someone accused of murder awaiting judgement. Time would tell that I was about to have the experience of my life. My heart felt like the bird which just learnt how to fly.....it was beating like anythinng... the world seemed to have been reduced to just one person. And believe it or not, at the back of my mind, at that time, I could not even remember how she looked like. It was just the person inside that just awed me ...somehow.

From our exchanges in the past, I had concluded that she and I had the same outlook on many things....only difference being that I was an objectivist and always overruled my heart's say with the logical dictat of the mind. She however would always talk sentimentally about a lot of things ........I got particularly awed by her strong sense of conviction about moralities which I used to have. I obviously liked her approach towards people and the strength of her character....that made me feel increasingly drawn towards her.

A few chat sessions were just enough I guess......then I talked to a few friends about it, who obviously told me to say it to her....and I was feeling week in the heart and the knees.....could just not say it to her for a loooong time....then finally instead of calling and telling her (which appeared daunting enough), I decided to just write an email....And looking back at it, expression of love has to be an emotional message....I wonder why I kept it dry and simple under the ideal of being non influencial .....So silly of me.

Anyways...whaat transpired after that is not what I can share....all that I can is that I was rejected by her...maybe I would not look like a good match with her.....maybe ...but maybe we would have spent a life full of joy. Who really knows.... what I do know however is that every single day, I have thought of her in some way..........and I could not find one way to console myself... I do not find any flaw with her stand either...what is sad for me however is that she did not care even enough to decide to help me through this phase with some form of emotional support.... But then that was her call...maybe she herself was bothered.....I just do not know....and she would not tell.....I know her enough to tell that it is not her decision to not talk, and that bothers me beyond all limits.

A bit of rationale from me now.

To have the feeling that you are letting go of the most precious sentiment of your life......your first "qualified" love.... is something that has been keeping me going. I would probably keep at it at one level or another till I have either changed the status quo, my heart changes or till I die.

There is no point giving up on your love just because it is not reciprocated...that would be opportunistic in my view and I can not afford to have that view on myself. It would hurt me worse than anything that has transpired in the last four months.

However this quote had me so happy about all this and I believe that it deserves a mention here:

"When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." : Kahlil Gibran

Words are running out.

But emotions would just keep overflowing. The amazing part is the apparent absence of the same with you.

I am impressed. You must try the equity markets..... emotional strength is a major positive in that profession.

Not the story.

I wonder what makes me keep going........ is it the hope or is it the need to be expressed ? I always believed it's the latter but the hope of her understanding is also there...but then wouldn't it hurt her or make her worried......I so wish that that does not happen, but I have removed references anyways.

Only thing I cant remove is the pain which now seems to be a bit of me now.. She gave me nothing..but at least this feeling she did give. Or maybe I just took it from her but still, she is the source of it... :) .

I cant believe ....still can't believe how she seems like the world even now. But she does. May the universe make her tread the path that is the best for her.

Paa ke rab kya karoon :) .

Speculation

From my knowledge of the female psyche, The female subconscious (when it comes to relationships) is governed by the primary human motive of producing the healthiest off-springs. It is sub-consciously drawn towards strength and power, since that has been the key to survival for as long as life has existed. Additionally, some are even attracted to intelligence.....looks are a newer phenomenon though. It is not that females did not have an appreciation for looks in the past, but it was looked at as a secondary male characteristic as men where the chosers and females were "suppposed" to please them.

Times changed, and the media began using the female body and the male facination towards it for selling products. The fashion caught on like wilfwire and the motive for maximising profits started to overrule any moral imperatives that might have existed. This caused a fundamental shift in the female mindset and they now look at themselves being the "chosers". However, subconsciously, they still like to be chosen....The mere fact that females love to dress up and love being complimented more than anything else clearly indicates that their desire for approval is overwhelming.

Despite the subconscious subservience, the conscious struggle against male dominance is stupid, simply since it amounts to fighting your own subconscious beliefs. Interestingly, the one I love could not care much less....probably the sad part is that she is a little too immature to take it easy (or maybe she has been "directed" not to care at all :( ).....anyways what matters is that she just went over the top and blew it....and what should not have been forgotten, seems to have been lost. :) .

You need to know this fellow before it gets over.

I would have appreciated everything, if only you knew me. You know only the tip of the person called Einstein. This person has been through times soft and tough....I have been tested with love and hatred....I won over those who hated me.....Its only that you can't fight those you love....You can only wait patiently till they finally decide to pay heed to you.

If only, ....If only you knew the person ...the person called Einstein .... I would not have bugged you...not for a moment even.

You'll be the stupidest smart girl I have ever met.

And I now wonder if I love stupid people.......not too sure though... :) .

My favorites: Part 1

Kal ho na ho.

Us haath ko.........tum thaam lo .
Wo meherbaan...........kal ho na ho.