Raksha Bandhan is not so happy.

I never felt like this before. Never on a raksha bandhan day at least. I am aware that I must make the next move sooner rather than later. Nothing can be achieved if nothing is done. And I already have enough at stake.

My agenda shall not be to marry you, but to let ourselves know each other....and life will take it's own course from there on. I want to take it forward from where our first conversation after that first email ended. It was painful but I was happy.

Now the pain has subsided but life seems to have lost a bit of meaning.

Landslide

I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Till the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky - What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know, I don't know

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
Because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older, too

So, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down
The landslide will bring it down

Credit : To you, and to Fleetwood Mac. :)

The facebook status of a friend of a friend.

Have a smoke daily - You'll die ten years early. Have drinks daily - You'll die thirty years early. Love someone truly - You'll die everyday. :)

Silence

The silence of the room . Makes me feel strange. Makes me think why I loved you. I have no answer. But I think on. I think why you could not love me. I have no answer. I am silent. Sleepy and silent. Waiting to get ready for office. I am feeling that feeling again..the strange sensation in the chest..what causes it ? I am feeling intrigued... I am stupid... (or am I?) . I am a man ....I am genetically programmed to love women....why this one girl then .... "Love is blind" ...that is what they all say.....I would say love is stupid. I would say that, and at the same time, go on with this stupidity. It is a moral imperative, is it not ? If I can not love her in the face of her not loving me, to me; it means that I did not love her at all. It means that I wanted a deal with her. Relationships, (particularly this one) have to be pure. If I can not keep loving her in this case, I would have proved to be a nut in my own eyes. I do not look forward to any of the heartaches but I definitely will make sure we meet once again. I will talk to anyone that I have to. Lets see what fate has in store.

PS1: Only thing, sometimes, your non-responsiveness makes me feel as if somebody is choking my mouth with clothes and I can not speak. It is the only analogy that I can offer. And I mean it. Hope the realization comes in sooner rather than later to you.

PS2: I love you.

Silly Facebook quiz.

Whatever this quiz might have meant..I just took it on Facebook and felt like posting.....a bit of truth lies in it. :)


Dear Einstein, The answers given to the questions have been shown to have a relevance to values and ideals that we hold in our personal lives. The analysis follows:

You are walking in the woods with _______ . _______ is the most important person in your life.: You see a Horse. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems.: You enter a Silent understanding with the animal? The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems. (passively/aggressively)
You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your Dream House. It is Medium sized house with 3 rooms,kitchen. The size of your dream house is representative of the size of your ambition to resolve your problems.

Is your dream house surrounded by a fence? You answered No. No fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You´d prefer people not to drop by unannounced.:

You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the dining table. Cover, Fruits, Ice cream, Utensils flow are on and around the table. If your answer did not include food, people, or flowers, then you are generally unhappy.

You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup. The cup is made of Silver. . The durability of the material with which the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with _______. For example, styrafoam, plastic, and paper are all disposable, styrofoam, paper and glass are not durable, and metal and plastic are durable.

You Put honey and icecream into it & giv her. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude towards _______
_______________________________________________________________________

I've replaced your name with blanks.

Shukriya, Zindagi.

Can't thank life enough.....despite all that has been.... :) .

The mail.

That night was a little tough on me....I had just mailed my blunt expression of love to her.... I felt like a thousand butterflies in my stomach....the feeling was like I was someone accused of murder awaiting judgement. Time would tell that I was about to have the experience of my life. My heart felt like the bird which just learnt how to fly.....it was beating like anythinng... the world seemed to have been reduced to just one person. And believe it or not, at the back of my mind, at that time, I could not even remember how she looked like. It was just the person inside that just awed me ...somehow.

From our exchanges in the past, I had concluded that she and I had the same outlook on many things....only difference being that I was an objectivist and always overruled my heart's say with the logical dictat of the mind. She however would always talk sentimentally about a lot of things ........I got particularly awed by her strong sense of conviction about moralities which I used to have. I obviously liked her approach towards people and the strength of her character....that made me feel increasingly drawn towards her.

A few chat sessions were just enough I guess......then I talked to a few friends about it, who obviously told me to say it to her....and I was feeling week in the heart and the knees.....could just not say it to her for a loooong time....then finally instead of calling and telling her (which appeared daunting enough), I decided to just write an email....And looking back at it, expression of love has to be an emotional message....I wonder why I kept it dry and simple under the ideal of being non influencial .....So silly of me.

Anyways...whaat transpired after that is not what I can share....all that I can is that I was rejected by her...maybe I would not look like a good match with her.....maybe ...but maybe we would have spent a life full of joy. Who really knows.... what I do know however is that every single day, I have thought of her in some way..........and I could not find one way to console myself... I do not find any flaw with her stand either...what is sad for me however is that she did not care even enough to decide to help me through this phase with some form of emotional support.... But then that was her call...maybe she herself was bothered.....I just do not know....and she would not tell.....I know her enough to tell that it is not her decision to not talk, and that bothers me beyond all limits.

A bit of rationale from me now.

To have the feeling that you are letting go of the most precious sentiment of your life......your first "qualified" love.... is something that has been keeping me going. I would probably keep at it at one level or another till I have either changed the status quo, my heart changes or till I die.

There is no point giving up on your love just because it is not reciprocated...that would be opportunistic in my view and I can not afford to have that view on myself. It would hurt me worse than anything that has transpired in the last four months.

However this quote had me so happy about all this and I believe that it deserves a mention here:

"When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." : Kahlil Gibran

Words are running out.

But emotions would just keep overflowing. The amazing part is the apparent absence of the same with you.

I am impressed. You must try the equity markets..... emotional strength is a major positive in that profession.

Not the story.

I wonder what makes me keep going........ is it the hope or is it the need to be expressed ? I always believed it's the latter but the hope of her understanding is also there...but then wouldn't it hurt her or make her worried......I so wish that that does not happen, but I have removed references anyways.

Only thing I cant remove is the pain which now seems to be a bit of me now.. She gave me nothing..but at least this feeling she did give. Or maybe I just took it from her but still, she is the source of it... :) .

I cant believe ....still can't believe how she seems like the world even now. But she does. May the universe make her tread the path that is the best for her.