“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” : Jim Morrison
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Nightmares ?
Late night yesterday .... I was in the room alone...the room partner last night had been talking about seeing two old figures sitting at night in the room close to the refrigerator.....made me feel a little scared, so to get the feeling of not being alone, I slept with the television on. The TV channel was showing football...... I have blurry memories of dreaming about football somehow....I was probably inside a football stadium, watching some key game.... it is strange how I can't recall most of it. My sleep somehow got broken, and I was too lazy to turn the TV off, so I slept again just like that.
Then I had a nightmare. Somehow, in my dream, I was in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. I knew it was the Atlantic because I was on too familiar a ship, "The titanic". The view was enthralling....I somehow recalled with fondness in my dream itself, the first time when we bunked our class to watch the movie.
Suddenly I felt like the entire ship was sinking around me, but strangely, nobody was screaming. There was at this point, as I remember, a deafening sound of water rushing, and yet I felt nothing. No fear, no pain, no adrenaline rush....nothing . Amazingly, I could see nothing on the ship but one silhouette. The silhouette was unmistakable, although there was absolutely nothing I could see to be sure. It was as if magically, I just knew everything about it I felt it smile from inside the hood …it was a painful smile…an almost apologetic smile …………. I suddenly felt all the emotions rush into me as I became hopelessly scared and I just began gasping for breath. The heart was pounding as I tried to advance towards the figure....somehow as much as I tried, the floor of the ship would keep moving backwards or something, so that I effectively remained in the same position. I could not see what happened to that figure but I felt a sense of loss at letting it go. I somehow a sense of guilt at having allowed it to fall into the ocean...that somehow I was responsible. I felt a deep pain, a familiar feeling from not so long ago. It was as if something heavy loaded onto my chest, making breathing impossible.
I desperately and frantically sought to get to the place where the other figure was on the ship. It was as if it's survival meant everything to me now. But as nightmares have a nasty habit of making you feel helpless, so did this one. All of a sudden, the ship was gone ! there was no ship. The ocean was all around me. A giant circular wave roaring at great speed, taking me with it. I can not even closely reproduce that wave in my mind but the wave in the movie 2012 (which sweeps the "Ship" (USS J.F.Kennedy) ) was the closest that I can get.
The circular wave was all over me...the dark blue every where.....the night was so violent, yet there was no sound track in the dream at this point....I could hear nothing.... just the sound of silence.
I felt as if the waves would engulf me. Like nothing would ever be the same again. I felt like I would die. Somehow, I wanted to die for the guilt for letting that one person go away and suffer was too much.... and somehow I knew that this was the world that I had to live in forever... and this person was the only other person in this ship world. My world in the dream included just Just the ship and the silhouette figure ...not to mention the ocean and the sky with it's decorations.
I was overwhelmed with sentiments as It sunk in that even the silhouette was no longer to be seen. I started trying to swim across the stretch, and to find that person, but I do not even know how to swim, let alone saving someone's life. I just kept violently shaking my hands and legs, but somehow I could not make a move. I shouted, only to be responded with silence. I almost began to give up...feeling I would die without a purpose in the sea. The feeling of not being able to breathe made my terribly scared....and it was not the fear of death that caused the fear........
Then, suddenly, I woke up.
Reflecting on it makes me want to wake up again. But life is not so much of a dream.
Then I had a nightmare. Somehow, in my dream, I was in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. I knew it was the Atlantic because I was on too familiar a ship, "The titanic". The view was enthralling....I somehow recalled with fondness in my dream itself, the first time when we bunked our class to watch the movie.
Suddenly I felt like the entire ship was sinking around me, but strangely, nobody was screaming. There was at this point, as I remember, a deafening sound of water rushing, and yet I felt nothing. No fear, no pain, no adrenaline rush....nothing . Amazingly, I could see nothing on the ship but one silhouette. The silhouette was unmistakable, although there was absolutely nothing I could see to be sure. It was as if magically, I just knew everything about it I felt it smile from inside the hood …it was a painful smile…an almost apologetic smile …………. I suddenly felt all the emotions rush into me as I became hopelessly scared and I just began gasping for breath. The heart was pounding as I tried to advance towards the figure....somehow as much as I tried, the floor of the ship would keep moving backwards or something, so that I effectively remained in the same position. I could not see what happened to that figure but I felt a sense of loss at letting it go. I somehow a sense of guilt at having allowed it to fall into the ocean...that somehow I was responsible. I felt a deep pain, a familiar feeling from not so long ago. It was as if something heavy loaded onto my chest, making breathing impossible.
I desperately and frantically sought to get to the place where the other figure was on the ship. It was as if it's survival meant everything to me now. But as nightmares have a nasty habit of making you feel helpless, so did this one. All of a sudden, the ship was gone ! there was no ship. The ocean was all around me. A giant circular wave roaring at great speed, taking me with it. I can not even closely reproduce that wave in my mind but the wave in the movie 2012 (which sweeps the "Ship" (USS J.F.Kennedy) ) was the closest that I can get.
The circular wave was all over me...the dark blue every where.....the night was so violent, yet there was no sound track in the dream at this point....I could hear nothing.... just the sound of silence.
I felt as if the waves would engulf me. Like nothing would ever be the same again. I felt like I would die. Somehow, I wanted to die for the guilt for letting that one person go away and suffer was too much.... and somehow I knew that this was the world that I had to live in forever... and this person was the only other person in this ship world. My world in the dream included just Just the ship and the silhouette figure ...not to mention the ocean and the sky with it's decorations.
I was overwhelmed with sentiments as It sunk in that even the silhouette was no longer to be seen. I started trying to swim across the stretch, and to find that person, but I do not even know how to swim, let alone saving someone's life. I just kept violently shaking my hands and legs, but somehow I could not make a move. I shouted, only to be responded with silence. I almost began to give up...feeling I would die without a purpose in the sea. The feeling of not being able to breathe made my terribly scared....and it was not the fear of death that caused the fear........
Then, suddenly, I woke up.
Reflecting on it makes me want to wake up again. But life is not so much of a dream.
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