Nazar ?

Kabhi hum sochte hain ki wo ek khayaal hi to haii.....fir ye bhi sochte hain ki hum bhi to ek khayaal hi hain...fir ye bhi sochte hain ki hum shayad usse pyar islie nhi karte hain ki use paana chahte hain. Hum ye mehsoos karte hain ki wo kitni pyari hai or isiliye, sirf isiliye bas apni umr uske saath bitana chahte hain. Ab isme pata nhi kon sa bada hungama karne wali baat hai.

Mera sawal tab tak rahega ki shaadi karne ko to bola nhi maine, bas zindagi bhar saath dene ki jo khwahish thi wo hi bataai thi... ab ise agar tum shaant mann se na le saki to hum kya karein, or fir is karan se tum kyu humse baat tak nhi kar sakti ye bhi bata do to acha hoga.

Hum samajh sakte hain ki tumhe samajik apekshaon ki samasya hogi, par kya ye samajik bandhan tumhe kuch dekhne se rok rahe hain ? Kya aisa nahi hai ki tum ek insaan to takreeban poori tarh chor rahi ho jo tumhara (khene ko hi sahi), dost tha or wo bhi tab jab use tumhare maansik samarthan ki sabse jada zarurat thi ?

Kya tumko kuch bhi nazar nahi aata..... ? Or kyu tum aisa kar rhi ho jabki tum jaanti ho ki aisa karna zaruri nh, or behtar tarike hain.

Some food for thought.

This is not exactly a post, more like a reminder to myself to post about the following:

1. The idea of the different kinds of happiness-es that we seek in life (including the happiness that we derive from a loss, or even from unexpected quarters.)

2. The idea of how human beings define the idea of romantic love, and how it can actually last a lifetime, once entered into.

3. The strange emotions that get generated when you feel the loss of your love. And speculate on it's cause.

This looks like it.

(You however, must respond.) .

Poetries of the first kind. :)

There are colors limitless, unbound...
And the eerie silence's sound;
Work on I , all around,
Something's lost, something found.

As I often tend to stay,
Oblivious to the games people play;
I still love life, come what my way;
The autum noon, the burning may.

I took my chance, and love was true
Its okay, you my love were you
While I wonder what I can do
I hope you find someone who's got what is in just a few.

I,me and myself.

When I am sad ... I smile.
When I feel like crying, I laugh.

When I could not breathe, I was grateful.

I never knew that those songs and stories were closer to reality than I would have imagined, and I totally despise the social norms and conventions for all that they have meant to me and that they have done to me.

I refuse to conform.

Raksha Bandhan is not so happy.

I never felt like this before. Never on a raksha bandhan day at least. I am aware that I must make the next move sooner rather than later. Nothing can be achieved if nothing is done. And I already have enough at stake.

My agenda shall not be to marry you, but to let ourselves know each other....and life will take it's own course from there on. I want to take it forward from where our first conversation after that first email ended. It was painful but I was happy.

Now the pain has subsided but life seems to have lost a bit of meaning.

Landslide

I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Till the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky - What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know, I don't know

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
Because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older, too

So, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down
The landslide will bring it down

Credit : To you, and to Fleetwood Mac. :)

The facebook status of a friend of a friend.

Have a smoke daily - You'll die ten years early. Have drinks daily - You'll die thirty years early. Love someone truly - You'll die everyday. :)

Silence

The silence of the room . Makes me feel strange. Makes me think why I loved you. I have no answer. But I think on. I think why you could not love me. I have no answer. I am silent. Sleepy and silent. Waiting to get ready for office. I am feeling that feeling again..the strange sensation in the chest..what causes it ? I am feeling intrigued... I am stupid... (or am I?) . I am a man ....I am genetically programmed to love women....why this one girl then .... "Love is blind" ...that is what they all say.....I would say love is stupid. I would say that, and at the same time, go on with this stupidity. It is a moral imperative, is it not ? If I can not love her in the face of her not loving me, to me; it means that I did not love her at all. It means that I wanted a deal with her. Relationships, (particularly this one) have to be pure. If I can not keep loving her in this case, I would have proved to be a nut in my own eyes. I do not look forward to any of the heartaches but I definitely will make sure we meet once again. I will talk to anyone that I have to. Lets see what fate has in store.

PS1: Only thing, sometimes, your non-responsiveness makes me feel as if somebody is choking my mouth with clothes and I can not speak. It is the only analogy that I can offer. And I mean it. Hope the realization comes in sooner rather than later to you.

PS2: I love you.

Silly Facebook quiz.

Whatever this quiz might have meant..I just took it on Facebook and felt like posting.....a bit of truth lies in it. :)


Dear Einstein, The answers given to the questions have been shown to have a relevance to values and ideals that we hold in our personal lives. The analysis follows:

You are walking in the woods with _______ . _______ is the most important person in your life.: You see a Horse. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems.: You enter a Silent understanding with the animal? The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems. (passively/aggressively)
You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your Dream House. It is Medium sized house with 3 rooms,kitchen. The size of your dream house is representative of the size of your ambition to resolve your problems.

Is your dream house surrounded by a fence? You answered No. No fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You´d prefer people not to drop by unannounced.:

You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the dining table. Cover, Fruits, Ice cream, Utensils flow are on and around the table. If your answer did not include food, people, or flowers, then you are generally unhappy.

You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup. The cup is made of Silver. . The durability of the material with which the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with _______. For example, styrafoam, plastic, and paper are all disposable, styrofoam, paper and glass are not durable, and metal and plastic are durable.

You Put honey and icecream into it & giv her. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude towards _______
_______________________________________________________________________

I've replaced your name with blanks.

Shukriya, Zindagi.

Can't thank life enough.....despite all that has been.... :) .

The mail.

That night was a little tough on me....I had just mailed my blunt expression of love to her.... I felt like a thousand butterflies in my stomach....the feeling was like I was someone accused of murder awaiting judgement. Time would tell that I was about to have the experience of my life. My heart felt like the bird which just learnt how to fly.....it was beating like anythinng... the world seemed to have been reduced to just one person. And believe it or not, at the back of my mind, at that time, I could not even remember how she looked like. It was just the person inside that just awed me ...somehow.

From our exchanges in the past, I had concluded that she and I had the same outlook on many things....only difference being that I was an objectivist and always overruled my heart's say with the logical dictat of the mind. She however would always talk sentimentally about a lot of things ........I got particularly awed by her strong sense of conviction about moralities which I used to have. I obviously liked her approach towards people and the strength of her character....that made me feel increasingly drawn towards her.

A few chat sessions were just enough I guess......then I talked to a few friends about it, who obviously told me to say it to her....and I was feeling week in the heart and the knees.....could just not say it to her for a loooong time....then finally instead of calling and telling her (which appeared daunting enough), I decided to just write an email....And looking back at it, expression of love has to be an emotional message....I wonder why I kept it dry and simple under the ideal of being non influencial .....So silly of me.

Anyways...whaat transpired after that is not what I can share....all that I can is that I was rejected by her...maybe I would not look like a good match with her.....maybe ...but maybe we would have spent a life full of joy. Who really knows.... what I do know however is that every single day, I have thought of her in some way..........and I could not find one way to console myself... I do not find any flaw with her stand either...what is sad for me however is that she did not care even enough to decide to help me through this phase with some form of emotional support.... But then that was her call...maybe she herself was bothered.....I just do not know....and she would not tell.....I know her enough to tell that it is not her decision to not talk, and that bothers me beyond all limits.

A bit of rationale from me now.

To have the feeling that you are letting go of the most precious sentiment of your life......your first "qualified" love.... is something that has been keeping me going. I would probably keep at it at one level or another till I have either changed the status quo, my heart changes or till I die.

There is no point giving up on your love just because it is not reciprocated...that would be opportunistic in my view and I can not afford to have that view on myself. It would hurt me worse than anything that has transpired in the last four months.

However this quote had me so happy about all this and I believe that it deserves a mention here:

"When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." : Kahlil Gibran

Words are running out.

But emotions would just keep overflowing. The amazing part is the apparent absence of the same with you.

I am impressed. You must try the equity markets..... emotional strength is a major positive in that profession.

Not the story.

I wonder what makes me keep going........ is it the hope or is it the need to be expressed ? I always believed it's the latter but the hope of her understanding is also there...but then wouldn't it hurt her or make her worried......I so wish that that does not happen, but I have removed references anyways.

Only thing I cant remove is the pain which now seems to be a bit of me now.. She gave me nothing..but at least this feeling she did give. Or maybe I just took it from her but still, she is the source of it... :) .

I cant believe ....still can't believe how she seems like the world even now. But she does. May the universe make her tread the path that is the best for her.

Paa ke rab kya karoon :) .

Speculation

From my knowledge of the female psyche, The female subconscious (when it comes to relationships) is governed by the primary human motive of producing the healthiest off-springs. It is sub-consciously drawn towards strength and power, since that has been the key to survival for as long as life has existed. Additionally, some are even attracted to intelligence.....looks are a newer phenomenon though. It is not that females did not have an appreciation for looks in the past, but it was looked at as a secondary male characteristic as men where the chosers and females were "suppposed" to please them.

Times changed, and the media began using the female body and the male facination towards it for selling products. The fashion caught on like wilfwire and the motive for maximising profits started to overrule any moral imperatives that might have existed. This caused a fundamental shift in the female mindset and they now look at themselves being the "chosers". However, subconsciously, they still like to be chosen....The mere fact that females love to dress up and love being complimented more than anything else clearly indicates that their desire for approval is overwhelming.

Despite the subconscious subservience, the conscious struggle against male dominance is stupid, simply since it amounts to fighting your own subconscious beliefs. Interestingly, the one I love could not care much less....probably the sad part is that she is a little too immature to take it easy (or maybe she has been "directed" not to care at all :( ).....anyways what matters is that she just went over the top and blew it....and what should not have been forgotten, seems to have been lost. :) .

You need to know this fellow before it gets over.

I would have appreciated everything, if only you knew me. You know only the tip of the person called Einstein. This person has been through times soft and tough....I have been tested with love and hatred....I won over those who hated me.....Its only that you can't fight those you love....You can only wait patiently till they finally decide to pay heed to you.

If only, ....If only you knew the person ...the person called Einstein .... I would not have bugged you...not for a moment even.

You'll be the stupidest smart girl I have ever met.

And I now wonder if I love stupid people.......not too sure though... :) .

My favorites: Part 1

Kal ho na ho.

Us haath ko.........tum thaam lo .
Wo meherbaan...........kal ho na ho.

When you find yourself.

Human beings. . . .  we are interesting creatures. I've never really thought of looking for "love" in life per se....I just wanted to be the scientist who brings glory to mankind through his discovery of the nature of spacetime. Anyways, that dream remains distant....however, a much more plausible dream somehow just sprang out of nowhere. I began to love this girl with unassuming approach and simple looks.

I would not know what she had been thinking like or is thinking like right now. I do not know if it would even ever be read by her.......however, I do know that as and when she matures and finds herself, either she will come to me, or someone who looks at her just the way I do. I am just hopeful that that happens sooner rather than later.

 My only issue is that the worldly pursuits would limit her ability to be herself. She definitely has a lot of maturity to gain, and in all probability that cost me my love.....but maybe I would not have fallen for a more mature her.

Anyways, I just love you girl. Come to me when you must. Not before.

"Somebody started loving ........................." : (Shakespeare)

I do not know... and I am not convinced.

I can not accept that you're too different that the one I loved...may be you're just a little too kiddish....maybe not so logical in terms of thinking but you are the one I love for a reason.... Its possible that I'd have been swayed by emotions during my explanations, but they came later....the girl with those abstract pictures and thoughts is not likely to be so different... The girl who quotes Shakespeare's most touching lines can't be so different than me........If only you knew me ....... You need to......

When I come to your place, I will try to have some of the issues addressed.

I dont know what it is, but it tells me that I must just not give up on you............that it would be a crime on us both. It is a conviction which is possibly a flawed one, but Its a beautiful explanation for what I have been doing.

Kal ho na ho ....

Tumhe apna banane ki khwahish to thi

Par tum hamare ho ye bhi humko kehna nahi

Gar yahi chahte ho to ye hi sahi

Ishq-e dariya me tumko utarna nahi .

Chakki peesing peesing peesing....

Guess we've had enough of sad posts here...a bit of humor for a change :) .

My love

Maybe true love is a decision. You know, a decision to take a chance with somebody. To give to somebody. Without worrying whether they'll give anything back. Or if they're gonna hurt you, or if they really are the one. 
 
Maybe love isn't something that happens to you. Maybe it's something you have to choose...


But for me, it seems the other way....it just happened. I did not chose ...I did not intend to.....never did, never would. That is where my subconscious got the better of me I guess. But I am still glad I loved you. It told me how much I can care....how much I can love....and how little it can matter.  Invaluable. 


And invaluable are each bit of memories that I have of you. 

And yes, to be honest to the core, I would say true love is sacrifice. Of any kind ......its such a shame that I can't even get to sacrifice ..... alll that is being sacrificed is the love itself....or maybe it's being killed. :) . I hope that it is you yourself who has chosen to kill it....otherwise its just a little silly . . . . and in that case, you need to reconsider.

Pagla gai hain sach me kaa....

Humko to samjh me nhi aa rha hai ke prablum kaa hai aapko .....


You are acting as if I issued death threat to you instead of professing my love. :) .

Udgaar :)

Hum tumhe kyaa bataein ti kya dikha tumme hume

Bas koi humko batade ........... ke kyu na tum insaa(n) rahe

Dekhte hum reh gae or kitne sapne tut gae

Or ham sapne ko sach karne ki khatir lut gae

Na tumhe hum dosh denge par tumhi khud soch lo

Pyar wo ek ehsaar hai jiske liye hum mit gae .....

Aother parody

This one is not quite as sad as the state of the affairs.

Aaaya mere man me kyu too
Diya mujhko prem ye kyu
Too hi hai sapna, too hi jaan
Maula mere, le le meri jaan

Padh bhi lena kabhi ye saari bakwas.

Itna khoobsoorat hai ye jahaan
Fir hum aa gae kyu is dagar, yahaan ?
Jise na hona chahiye tha dil me, wo hai ab yahaan
Pyar ko kyu na samajh pata hai insaan ?

Go on on on.

Terars may have run dry..
Dimag ka ho gya bheja fry
But the heart would't buy
It tells me go try, try & try.

Being Human to a Human being

A human is just flesh over bones....except for the brain and the consciousness (or an illusion of it).Add to it our emotions and you have a life. Add to it, love; and you've lived it with a sense of worth. You would probably never understand that your very dreams . . . . . . . (and what else could they be for a human) passed you from so close and you turned away. . . . . . . . . there is still time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . There will always be. . . . . . . . . . . till we either disappear for ever (if soul does not exists) or else, we will meet in heaven (hope that god does not send u to hell for this ...just kidding ok ?)

Till then, try to free your mind of confirming to the society ..... they will tell you what to do till you eventually give up. All that you need to give up is your attitude, as already discussed on facebook.  It shows fear more than anything else.

---OH (Chemical symbol for the alcoholic group.)

I frankly dont have much to write home. Am a little happy and sad today. I drank yesterday .... and drank badly at that. Never before did I do so. And I was told I was talking to you while drunk ... it was ridiculous. Everyone was asking me who you were .... I had to just fend them off by saying that it is a long story.

I can not exactly say that I became a drinker because of you but I certainly felt so happy after so much time....that kid woke up. So much out of chemicals that dull the senses...... it is actually amazing.

I think.

And the thoughts make me conclude that thinking is not such a wonderful thing after all. It may give momentary happiness but the sadness is permanent when it comes.

Another of those stories?

At the moment it is one of the classical stories where the guy does not know what hit him. I am pretty sure this blog would not have existed had it not been for your decision (was it yours?) not to talk.

Anyways, what is is. I can not be what I am not, I will not do what my heart does not approve of, although I may not do what my heart tells me because it would hurt you.

If love is sacrifice, I shall make it so long as I can convince myself....but there is a threshold, and I am only human.


Anyways, I got through two major interviews today, and have another call.... So much money on offer...so many girls in the world to choose from, but what makes me seek you beats my logical mind. It's crazy !

No two ways now.

It will probably get ugly before it ends, but thats the only way now. When in a corner, every living creature retaliates. Only thing is, I will try to be as civil as I can be. I am not "god" anyways.


Or maybe, just maybe; instead of getting ugly, it will get beautiful.

Cometh the hour, again.

My wounds are less painful now but questions are still unanswered. I think it is time to seek some answers now.

Ziddi to hain aap.

I appreciate the fact that you're stubborn enough to follow through with the apparent "oath" that you seemed to have taken (except the one exception) .

I am awed to see that kind of resolve, since I had twice thought of letting you go, but this longing got the better of me each time. I am so much in love, you see.

I am even aware that you may not even be reading this crap blog at all ....but hope is so audacious.

Anyways, I dreamed of you today too....and we were talking.....walking together on the beach....I never looked towards you .....and after a long time, when I did look towards you, you did not have a face.....it was dark black...I was horrified and woke up. Whatever it means, I just wanted to say that I love you.

Friendship Day .

Somebody once said:

"Love is friendship set on fire" .

That somebody was Jeremy Taylor.

A very happy friendship day to you. May you have a beautiful time ..and find the vision that I want you to. :)