You will want me

You long for love and fear love itself
You seek freedom and let the world chain you
You seek god and let petty conventions restrain you
You dont know me and think you do

You love an image, I know you do
That one would have color, have style and substance.
But well my love not know you do...
That I have all that and more for you

That I don't seek you is a lie even now
That I dont want you is a silly little untrue vow
But more than anything, what bothers me is the fact
That It seems that you lost the act !

You hide behind god, and behind false art
But one day, the lies will fall apart
And then you'll see, the world is just a little game
And if you don't value love, soon; it'll be time to depart

Tell me when you find him

You are here to please god: Arre pagal what if it does not exist ?

Chalo maan liya ek baar ki hai bhagwan....but he is there in each of us...and you wont have people taking avatar for loving you... it will be someone like me only....only thing is that you may not even have the chance to take your time and decide one day......and you would be married off.

Anyways..... love :) .

बैगन का भर्ता

जब मैं बैगन का भर्ता खाता हूं


तो तुम मुझे याद आती हो


जब मैं जग में पानी भरता हूँ


तो भी दिमाग खराब कर जाती हो हो


इसलिए मैंने भर्ता खाना छॉड.दिया है


सीधे नल से पानी पीना मुश्किल है मगर






जब कभी Delhi 6के गाने सुनता हूँ


वर्तमान में अतीत को ना जाने क्यों दोबारा बुनता हूँ


ना जाने क्यूं मुक्ति के आगे असामान्यता चुनता हूं


अपनी ही भावनाओं को समझना मुश्किल है मगर






जब मैं प्रस्तुतीकरण की तैयारी कर रहा होता हूं


कहीं "Add shapes" में एक आकॄति ढूंढता हूं


न पाता हूं कुछ, न ही खोता हूं


अभी भी घोड़े बेचकर सोता हूं


धुंधले सपनों को संजोना ज़रा मुश्किल है मगर






कभी Mordern art को निगाहों से टटोलता हूं


उन आकॄतियों में मुक्ति की संभावना तोलता हूं


वो बारिश थी, फेवीकोल था, या थी मॄगमरीचिका


न समझ पाता हूं, तो बस डोलता हूं


मन का ठहर जाना, ज़रा मुश्किल है मगर






^^ Just the by product of a contemplative hour that I lived........ Could not finish the stupid thing ...... may do that sometime.....may not ... :-) ...Refinements are obvisouly needed as well.

And you keep at it

I have met people. . . some who know you.....some who do not... and they've wondered what I saw in an otherwise seemingly ordinary girl to get so crazy about you. The girls have told me how jealous they were of you and how awesome this was that I was just so in love. More than just a few have said that I have rekindled their faith in true love. Some actually fell in love with me, it seems.

However, my personal sentiments have been messed up like anything. I seemed to have forgotten what it felt like ........ Way to go my love, you seemed to have succeeded in killing the most tender feeling of my life..... so lovely of you...........just know that if it comes to listening to "god"....one must not forget that "god" communicates every moment a person talks to you. And he said he loved you when I tell you that..... you just could not see it.

Tum nhi samjhogi Baavya.......... and I wish it was okay but it is not.

Dreams are getting eerie

I saw you seeking something from god in my dream today....... and god turned around and started telling me...."Look at her...silly girl.. she can't accept that I do not exist". ...

I was totally flummoxed...did not know what to interpret this as....just posting all that I can recall.


I hope you had not expectations outstanding from the biggest illusion ever created.

What you might want to consider

What will hold you true to your path is your love for the truth, that you are not pushing along merely because you have taken the first step, or have decided upon a certain course of action, but also for the reason that you want to know what is the truth,You make up your own mind first to see if that it was, then rejoice if it is, but if not, accept the truth whole heartedly and try again with greater knowledge and stronger faith.

Love, virtually

I just hold true to one thing in hindsight......and I am pretty sure that I've not loved anything or one as much as I loved you.

And I have to have clarity ........

Each of these things held true.

Some answers are coming....maybe :)

Right now.......I am in the same situation, it seems........ I know that this silly girl is so falling in love with me........ almost exactly like I fell for you.......but I seem to be too heartbroken........additionally I cant feel it for her........ amazingly, despite this craving for love, I don't even want to. Attraction is not a choice, that is something that I know from my studies in human psychology. However, I think I was stupid to not induce love the way I know it can be induced into people.........just that I had to stay on in Ludhiana. Anyways........ Best I can do is to bug you a bit by coming to your continent.

I would not be loving you for sure if you're not who I think you are......so you could have rested assured anyways..........hope you're having a wonderful time wherever you are.

I am what I love

Because it wasn't about you.  It was mine, that love.  I owned it... I am what I love, not what loves me.


I am you....... not an issue if you are not me. But remember, you had a choice. A choice between love and I dont know what . You made your move....I hope the move was in line with your heart and soul.


Be happy. 


:) .


Cheers !

एक दिने जब सवेरे सवेरे

एक दिने जब सवेरे सवेरे, सुरमई की चादर हटा कर

एक परबत के तकिये से , सूरज ने सर जो उठाया, तोह देखा

दिल की वादी में चाहत का मौसम है

और यादों की डालियों पर

अनगिनत बीते लम्हों की कलियाँ महेकने लगी है

अनकही अनसुनी आरजू, आधी सोयी हवी आधी जागी हवी

आंखें मलते हुवे देखती है, लहर डर लहर

मौज डर मौज, बहती हवी ज़िंदगी

जैसे हर एक पल नई है, और फिर भी वही, हाँ, वही ज़िंदगी

जिसके दामन में एक मोहब्बत भी है, कोई हसरत भी है

पास आना भी है, दूर जाना भी है, और ये एहसास है

वक्त झरने सा बहता हुवा, जा रहा है, यह कहता हुवा

दिल की वादी में चाहत का मौसम है

और यादों की डालियों पर

अनगिनत बीते लम्हों की कलियाँ मेहेकने लगी हैं

It was a "friend"

A friend I trusted. I trusted him like anything. So much so that I decided to go "naked" in front of him by telling him about my deepest of emotions and feelings. I chose to lay bare in front of him, the silliest of thought and the tenderest of sentiments that I had developed. I found him to be a close confidante of mine and being in the emotionally charged up state of mind that I was, I told him the link to the blog.I told him that I had been blogging about my sentiments and experiences that I have had associated with yourself, my love.

However, this "friend" apparently did not care enough.

One, all the close friends of him and his room partner (both subscribers to the blog) came to know of it.

Secondly, one girl, a common friend of "her" and this friend was told of this blog by him. She was close enough to go directly to you my love and tell this to you, but if I can assure you, trust me when I say that I did not intend for you to read this blog till then.

I knew what that would have meant to you and how It would have impacted your psyche....it is just that the emotions just made me fly for a short while...I had lost track of life, of time..... of myself....and when It all just seemed to go away, my heart got the better of me.

My sentiments and emotions made me do what I would have otherwise never done. I went ahead and mailed about 6 people about this blog.

I hardly received any acolades from anyone, however you had your bits to say. . . . . did you not.

Just be at peace, not like myself...............love.

Blessings and reminiscences.

On your last birthday, I remember having said that it would not be difficult to remember the other person's birthdays for each of us. For me its still a day I've been conscious of for a week. Its just that love is quite an emotion to contend with.

I just hope you celebrate today with the happiest of emotions. May your life be as bright and cheerful as it gets.

Talking about Diwali.

It is the festival of lights, and I am happy to see the flashes and the colors. I am in love with the world again, I am even finding the other girls to be beautiful after some time….and soon you may become a lost memory. But I would have loved to have my first love fulfilled.
Today is probably however the most unique Diwali’s of my life. I would not be home, and I did it on purpose. I would not want to be home sitting quietly on a Diwali. Its not that I am sad anymore. I am Just a little less than happy.

Hope you find your happiness somewhere down there.
With Love,
Einstein

Gratitude.

I just thought that I wrote all sort of nonsense in this blog but never really expressed any gratitude towards you. Probably my emotions just swept me far enough to forget even that you have been through some turbulence yourself. I know some things have been hard for you and some of them have been directly done by me. However I am so grateful to have known you. Of all things, if there is just one thing that I could do in life, it is to tell you in person that I love you and that I am grateful that you exist. I am utterly thankful for the fact that the almighty* (or whatever it is) made you come into existence and than you became the girl who would take my breath away.

I can only wish you find your own peace, your own happiness, your own truth and most importantly, your own love in life.

And I hope you are strong enough when we meet again.

How will we love ?

The spot

Post my "thing" with you, I really became belligerent with girls...I would not even look at a girl like "that" because of my stupid moral upbringing. And somehow it turned me into something that a lot of girls seem to like a lot. There are about 6 girls who would seem to be eager  to date me but I feel this pain at the soul level it seems. Its almost as if I am cheating her if I go out with her since my heart loves you.  I can not stand that feeling Baa ..... so I stand here, a little wounded, but ready to take the world on.

I stand waiting for you to show up one day and for us to be into a friendship that would last a lifetime, but would probably not marry you. Just because my sentiments have been hurt somehow. Somehow even you could not care to understand just the simple fact that being in love makes us imagine spontaneously...and if I did so, why could it not be treated compassionately.

I still give you the benefit of doubt based on the fact that you might have been told to do a few things, but you are an adult with free will, If I can chose not to try to be manipulative to get your love, I feel I deserve to expect free thinking from your end too.

If someone loves you, the last thing to do is to run away. Maybe its okay to do so if the guy wants to get you ...but I just love you. just love you.

I hope Australia is all hale and hearty for you.  (Its my presumption.) Dont feel alone and may you be loved like you deserve to be.

PS: I love you.

The land of the Kangaroo

And off to a soil unknown
Whether on purpose, or thrown
I seek you, my love on and on
For the feelings my heart might have grown

I exist not to love, but love you I do
What in millions was not, I saw in just you
If this has to be destiny, let solitary be my view
But i'm an true to my heart, let mind stand askew.

Not knowing.

I would give up everything for one moment with you, for that one moment would be better than a life time of not knowing.


(Well not quite everything to be honest, but almost.)

Strangeness

You will meet gazillions of people, and I am sure 90 to 95% of them would be happy to be in love with you. So it is obviously not possible for you to possibly accommodate everyone. However, I just wonder how many would begin to feel and express love from across 1500 kilometers. How many would travel despite being out of cash in a city like Mumbai just for a glance that never will be. How many would want to be in touch despite what all has happened ? How many would not want to get you. How many, if any would love you so much ?



When would you understand that this is just a little .....ummmmm shall we say, "different" ?   :)

I hope its in this lifetime, because there may not be a soul that lives on to meet up and talk later post our lives...and I don't want to let the most precious feelings of my life go unfelt by the one whom they were towards.

How to become a materialist

Looking to be one.....and if successful, I shall one day write a book on the topic.

And that shall definitely help a lot of people who might suffer heartbreak.

Amen.

Sillified.

There are these girls .......some of them quite beautiful......some just hot.........some witty .........I have opened up enough to them and I somehow seem to be interesting to them........... I seem to be good at getting them to talk for sure......and yet nothing seems to make sense.

When it comes to the idea of trying to think of love, of being with one of them for my life, my indoctrination makes me think of this one girl..........of you silly.

And I would just go silent.

Silence teaches many things ...... I never knew that till I loved you. And the silly thing is that maybe I did not even love you.....maybe it was just an imagination of who you were (As you have said) but well, I am in this silly condition nonetheless.

Wonder if anyone (you) reads this blog anymore or not.

However, work wise, I am considering quitting on my company post the completion of my analyst program and going for the IAS exam.

Lets see how it goes. For now, mergers and acquisitions hold the key. Got to study but I am too silly to study now I guess. What say ?

Is it such a big deal really ?

It really is not...but for the emotions. And they strangely were just on my side. So I must own up responsibility for this mess. And I do.

I continue to have a few questions which I would have to wait with for a few decades now for sure. It should not have been so difficult though but anyways I hope I can someday get to have a life beyond you. Free of any imaginations that I might have conjured up.

The curse worthy scum of the earth speaks

I hope to be great one day. That day however does not look like today . :D

And I thought: Love conquers all.

Well the title says it all, doesn't it?

Well, not quite. The much celebrated lie that keeps being talked about in the media has a point after all. My sentiments completely conquered my mind. I was reduced to someone who could feel nothing but one sentiment. I would struggle with my own self rather than an external issue.

I would see life in her. Silly it is. But the hormones/soul certainly do/does give(s) you a strange high. I have never been high before and trust me, it was almost as if I was not present on the face of the earth. I was flying of sorts.

And then the wings got clipped. But it is okay. I don't think I had the pilot's licence anyways..... I was too ugly for that I guess. And love it seems is for the hunks with a heart, not for the philosopher guy with a fat nose.Most definitely not.

However honest I became, However "naked" I became to her, she could not fathom the gravity of the situation for me, and potentially for her. For her sake, I just hope that I was not the one that she had longed for. The only thing is that I dont understand how anyone could love her more and more unconditionally than I did. But maybe there are idealist hunks in this world. And maybe they will have the "approval" from the "authorities" as well.

May god* be with you my love.

* : I do not believe in an consciously active god, however the universe itself (nature if you like) is what I normally mean when I say "God" .

Some more introspection.

If at all I had to love someone, I could have easily chosen someone from Mumbai. If only I had the choice. My choice was already made.

It made me come to the strange conclusion that love is not a choice that we make. Its something which just happens before you know it. And then the world is the most beautiful place to be in. Words can't possibly say what it is like.

It also gives me the realization that you can not love me even if you logically decided to. However, one thing you could have done, and that was to give me some time. To get to know this person who felt that his life resided in you. And that one decision, that one choice you always had, have and will continue to have till we both are alive.

If you really sought something, and are letting it out either consciously or without knowing it, learn to respect it when you are presented with it. Denying it would be just living a lie.

I feel silly only for one reason: The first time I fell in love, I did not even tell the girl face to face once about it.

Be blessed my love (Given god exists) .

Give up on fear.

I was born.

I got love from all corners.

I grew into an idealist who believed that love is a universal thing. That it is about being grateful for existence and happy about the world as it is.

I woke up to the fact that there was another form of love. And I realized that as beautiful as it was, it could hurt.

And I could not understand how my loving her would make her life miserable.

Am I responsible is the question. Am I accountable ? And if I am at fault anywhere, it is just that I exist. Now since I believe that, I am still out here, seeking to find you. And you just fear everything.

Fear cant be the driver in our lives. It will only bring more fear. Test it out for yourself or open your mind and decide to be a free thinker yourself my love, it will help you for your entire life, I promise.

Defining the undefinable.

I will try to give my own interpretation here. And I will try to be as honest as I can be.Please bear with it.

Love: It is the world. It is all pervasive. Some gurus claim that it is the only truth. I do not claim to be great enough to truly understand what that means but I have had glimpses on the logical front, yes.

Romantic "Love": For me, it is a belief, that somebody, despite the imperfections; is the most beautiful person on earth. That person actually begins to seem like something beyond words, the mere mention of the name brings a smile to the face. The thought makes one's heart soar and for me, It seemed like she was my life. Still does.

Some of your answers.

Why does this moron think that he loves me?

Answer: I do not know for sure. I do not think I ever will.

What did he see in me that makes him remember me after all this time?

I saw a bit of simplicity, a little bit of a kid, a bit of color and a bit of loveliness. I just found you to be the person I would dream of spending a life with.

Why does this idiot keep bugging me?

Answer: Because I know (and not that I think so, I just know it) that If only, If only you get to know me for once.....you can not "not-love" me. It may be platonic, but that relationship would last a lifetime.

Why cant he just find another girl and "move on" ?

That is because I do not believing in "searching for" and finding love. I believe in letting things come to me. Going around trying to find love is like looking to buy stuff in a market. And I dont believe in treating people as a commodity.

What makes him so restless, like a kid?


I believe, that at our core, we are all kids. We just learn to act like "grown ups". However, what makes me sometimes go down a level below the usual levels would be the fact that I never asked your romantic response, and to be at the receiving end of what I have received despite that can do nothing about my lack of understanding about the truth behind your actions.

To me, for whatever stupid reasons I might be feeling so, you feel like something essential to supporting my life......something like Oxygen for the soul, and I would not mind dying even today, had it not been for those who love me more than themselves.

The internal thougt process of a disillusioned mind.

I just saw a friend who could have been so much more. And so much more you have become. I can not afford to presume things and destroy the "you" that I have come to know. I can not even afford to let the "offenses" (if any) to make my feelings towards you any bitter. However, I can not, and will not lose my self respect either.


There was a call which I am yet to return. I shall do the same in a few weeks. I shall prepare myself for anything that "whoever" might want to dish out, but I will not stand down from what I believe in. If it requires me to face any consequences, come what may.


I write this not as a challenge, but as a conviction I hold. I truly do not see much going back from what has happened now and I am not a rose spectacled moron, but its something that I will not have again in my life. It is the first time I am in love and I can only stand by my right to exist, perceive and feel.

However, anyone who can give me one "free" reason for being guilty, I am prepared to face any consequences. When I say free however, I talk about anything derogatory or hurtful or even manipulative that I might have done. And I know it for a fact that that is not the case. This post shall remain live only till I do not call back. So take any meanings out of it if you will.

PS: You know it.

किसी मोड़ पर फिर मुलाकात होगी

चरागों को आँखों में महफ़ूज़ रखना
बड़ी दूर तक रात ही रात होगी

मुसाफ़िर हैं हम भी मुसाफ़िर हो तुम भी 
किसी मोड़ पर फिर मुलाकात होगी .

I head for home

It has been some time since I have been home. The last time was January 1st,2010. Amma (Grandma) had passed away. It was strange how I had booked my tickets only two days ago. As If I was destined to be there on the day. Anyways, I must say this. I go back home this time with mixed feelings.

Had some of the recent things not happened, I would have told of "you" to my parents. I would have told them how much I felt for you what I had gone through. I would have, for I thought that the other side was "civil". Now the delusion is shattered. Just one word was enough. While I definitely will keep my end of the bargain by responding to the call on that number, I do not see any point in letting the family know, for It would only escalate things further.

Anyways, they would sense something is what I know. And I am not a great liar. So let us see how far can I take it.

PS: I just love you.

Momentary sunshine of a clueless mind.

There are colors limitless, unbound...
And the eerie silence's sound;
Work on I , all around,
Some things lost, something found.

For what maybe, I tend to sway,
Oblivious to the games people play;
I still love life, come what my way;
The autum noon, the burning may.

I take my my chances; to myself, true
Its okay, if it doesnt all come through
Forever in the know, that every moment is new
With one true faith: life gives whats due.

And on the road to the destiny divine,
It shall be truth that shall be mine
Times demand that I flex the spine,
For only then, the truth shall shine

And then I get the eerie feel
What may not seem that very real
For all the wit, application and zeal
May not, the soul, heal.

And then one may with some dismay
See some meaning in the pointless play
As the truth unravels with pain, as it may
That the path itself is the destiny, hey ! ;) .

Its amazing how you

Its amazing how you,
spake right to my haeart.

Without saying a word,
You would light up the dark.

Try as I may, I could never explain,
How I heard when you didn't say a thing.

The thought of your existence made me know that you're the only,
Was a truth in your thoughts, told that I'd never be lonely

The flick of a finger and you were gone ......

As if I never existed , as if having feelings for another human, another girl deserves punishment. Even if you yourself tell me that you took that decision, I would still know that you did not.

There are some things in life that we find out. However, there are some which we just know.

That I love you is one of them. That I know that your call would have been different is another. That you were seeking someone as stupid as me is the third.

That you would probably never read it is not one. I believe that one day, you would realize that it could have been a lot simpler and happier. The time is probably already over for me however, and that, despite having a sense of; I refuse to accept.

The coward (?) speaks.

I do not know if I actually am a coward. You intended to take me on on the phone, I did not respond immediately and promised to reply back and have not done so yet. I guess that does make me look like one. However, I will call you my fellow human. And while a part of me does want to revolt and swear back at you, but I will not.

I can not stop believing in what I know is right just because your social sensitivity is getting impacted. I love someone and that is reason enough for a human to talk to another. Infact it is the only reason. Anything that can refute that would be most welcome though. 

While she is sensitive and I understand that she might be upset because of all this, it will only make her stronger.

I wish her and you all the peace in the world. We shall talk soon.

My stance.

Talk about words, talk about human inability to look past choices they can not make, and talk about living with belief in one's values. Life sometimes tests us on our ability to stay true to our values.

I can but not be sorry for being myself.

I can but not be sorry for my feelings..

I can not be sorry for my beliefs. I have stuck to them, and look to do so for the rest of my life.


Somebody sometime talked about words and how they must be chosen wisely. Somebody else thinks that I can be "scared" into silence. It would take reason and emotions, fear would not silence me, I can promise on that count.

Talk about bad taste.

Today something happened which was inevitable. I have to respond, I will. But for now, I will be a little selfish and work on the ICICI Bank - Bank of Rajasthan Case that I must deliver by tomorrow evening. Any emotional overcharge could be catastrophic on the output.  I have already flunked two critical tests and can hardly afford any more goof-ups.

So if at all (whoever you were) you are reading this, kindly bear with me for a while. You have already done so for long enough, and I can not tell you how happy I am at the fact that the call came.

My stance however, still remains the same. I demand nothing but what I deserve. I do not see any wrong in expressing myself. I still believe in a lot of things, those things however have driven me to what I am at the moment and I can not be sorry for being myself. 

Nazar ?

Kabhi hum sochte hain ki wo ek khayaal hi to haii.....fir ye bhi sochte hain ki hum bhi to ek khayaal hi hain...fir ye bhi sochte hain ki hum shayad usse pyar islie nhi karte hain ki use paana chahte hain. Hum ye mehsoos karte hain ki wo kitni pyari hai or isiliye, sirf isiliye bas apni umr uske saath bitana chahte hain. Ab isme pata nhi kon sa bada hungama karne wali baat hai.

Mera sawal tab tak rahega ki shaadi karne ko to bola nhi maine, bas zindagi bhar saath dene ki jo khwahish thi wo hi bataai thi... ab ise agar tum shaant mann se na le saki to hum kya karein, or fir is karan se tum kyu humse baat tak nhi kar sakti ye bhi bata do to acha hoga.

Hum samajh sakte hain ki tumhe samajik apekshaon ki samasya hogi, par kya ye samajik bandhan tumhe kuch dekhne se rok rahe hain ? Kya aisa nahi hai ki tum ek insaan to takreeban poori tarh chor rahi ho jo tumhara (khene ko hi sahi), dost tha or wo bhi tab jab use tumhare maansik samarthan ki sabse jada zarurat thi ?

Kya tumko kuch bhi nazar nahi aata..... ? Or kyu tum aisa kar rhi ho jabki tum jaanti ho ki aisa karna zaruri nh, or behtar tarike hain.

Some food for thought.

This is not exactly a post, more like a reminder to myself to post about the following:

1. The idea of the different kinds of happiness-es that we seek in life (including the happiness that we derive from a loss, or even from unexpected quarters.)

2. The idea of how human beings define the idea of romantic love, and how it can actually last a lifetime, once entered into.

3. The strange emotions that get generated when you feel the loss of your love. And speculate on it's cause.

This looks like it.

(You however, must respond.) .

Poetries of the first kind. :)

There are colors limitless, unbound...
And the eerie silence's sound;
Work on I , all around,
Something's lost, something found.

As I often tend to stay,
Oblivious to the games people play;
I still love life, come what my way;
The autum noon, the burning may.

I took my chance, and love was true
Its okay, you my love were you
While I wonder what I can do
I hope you find someone who's got what is in just a few.

I,me and myself.

When I am sad ... I smile.
When I feel like crying, I laugh.

When I could not breathe, I was grateful.

I never knew that those songs and stories were closer to reality than I would have imagined, and I totally despise the social norms and conventions for all that they have meant to me and that they have done to me.

I refuse to conform.

Raksha Bandhan is not so happy.

I never felt like this before. Never on a raksha bandhan day at least. I am aware that I must make the next move sooner rather than later. Nothing can be achieved if nothing is done. And I already have enough at stake.

My agenda shall not be to marry you, but to let ourselves know each other....and life will take it's own course from there on. I want to take it forward from where our first conversation after that first email ended. It was painful but I was happy.

Now the pain has subsided but life seems to have lost a bit of meaning.

Landslide

I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Till the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky - What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know, I don't know

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
Because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older, too

So, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down
The landslide will bring it down

Credit : To you, and to Fleetwood Mac. :)

The facebook status of a friend of a friend.

Have a smoke daily - You'll die ten years early. Have drinks daily - You'll die thirty years early. Love someone truly - You'll die everyday. :)

Silence

The silence of the room . Makes me feel strange. Makes me think why I loved you. I have no answer. But I think on. I think why you could not love me. I have no answer. I am silent. Sleepy and silent. Waiting to get ready for office. I am feeling that feeling again..the strange sensation in the chest..what causes it ? I am feeling intrigued... I am stupid... (or am I?) . I am a man ....I am genetically programmed to love women....why this one girl then .... "Love is blind" ...that is what they all say.....I would say love is stupid. I would say that, and at the same time, go on with this stupidity. It is a moral imperative, is it not ? If I can not love her in the face of her not loving me, to me; it means that I did not love her at all. It means that I wanted a deal with her. Relationships, (particularly this one) have to be pure. If I can not keep loving her in this case, I would have proved to be a nut in my own eyes. I do not look forward to any of the heartaches but I definitely will make sure we meet once again. I will talk to anyone that I have to. Lets see what fate has in store.

PS1: Only thing, sometimes, your non-responsiveness makes me feel as if somebody is choking my mouth with clothes and I can not speak. It is the only analogy that I can offer. And I mean it. Hope the realization comes in sooner rather than later to you.

PS2: I love you.

Silly Facebook quiz.

Whatever this quiz might have meant..I just took it on Facebook and felt like posting.....a bit of truth lies in it. :)


Dear Einstein, The answers given to the questions have been shown to have a relevance to values and ideals that we hold in our personal lives. The analysis follows:

You are walking in the woods with _______ . _______ is the most important person in your life.: You see a Horse. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems.: You enter a Silent understanding with the animal? The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems. (passively/aggressively)
You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your Dream House. It is Medium sized house with 3 rooms,kitchen. The size of your dream house is representative of the size of your ambition to resolve your problems.

Is your dream house surrounded by a fence? You answered No. No fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You´d prefer people not to drop by unannounced.:

You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the dining table. Cover, Fruits, Ice cream, Utensils flow are on and around the table. If your answer did not include food, people, or flowers, then you are generally unhappy.

You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup. The cup is made of Silver. . The durability of the material with which the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with _______. For example, styrafoam, plastic, and paper are all disposable, styrofoam, paper and glass are not durable, and metal and plastic are durable.

You Put honey and icecream into it & giv her. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude towards _______
_______________________________________________________________________

I've replaced your name with blanks.

Shukriya, Zindagi.

Can't thank life enough.....despite all that has been.... :) .

The mail.

That night was a little tough on me....I had just mailed my blunt expression of love to her.... I felt like a thousand butterflies in my stomach....the feeling was like I was someone accused of murder awaiting judgement. Time would tell that I was about to have the experience of my life. My heart felt like the bird which just learnt how to fly.....it was beating like anythinng... the world seemed to have been reduced to just one person. And believe it or not, at the back of my mind, at that time, I could not even remember how she looked like. It was just the person inside that just awed me ...somehow.

From our exchanges in the past, I had concluded that she and I had the same outlook on many things....only difference being that I was an objectivist and always overruled my heart's say with the logical dictat of the mind. She however would always talk sentimentally about a lot of things ........I got particularly awed by her strong sense of conviction about moralities which I used to have. I obviously liked her approach towards people and the strength of her character....that made me feel increasingly drawn towards her.

A few chat sessions were just enough I guess......then I talked to a few friends about it, who obviously told me to say it to her....and I was feeling week in the heart and the knees.....could just not say it to her for a loooong time....then finally instead of calling and telling her (which appeared daunting enough), I decided to just write an email....And looking back at it, expression of love has to be an emotional message....I wonder why I kept it dry and simple under the ideal of being non influencial .....So silly of me.

Anyways...whaat transpired after that is not what I can share....all that I can is that I was rejected by her...maybe I would not look like a good match with her.....maybe ...but maybe we would have spent a life full of joy. Who really knows.... what I do know however is that every single day, I have thought of her in some way..........and I could not find one way to console myself... I do not find any flaw with her stand either...what is sad for me however is that she did not care even enough to decide to help me through this phase with some form of emotional support.... But then that was her call...maybe she herself was bothered.....I just do not know....and she would not tell.....I know her enough to tell that it is not her decision to not talk, and that bothers me beyond all limits.

A bit of rationale from me now.

To have the feeling that you are letting go of the most precious sentiment of your life......your first "qualified" love.... is something that has been keeping me going. I would probably keep at it at one level or another till I have either changed the status quo, my heart changes or till I die.

There is no point giving up on your love just because it is not reciprocated...that would be opportunistic in my view and I can not afford to have that view on myself. It would hurt me worse than anything that has transpired in the last four months.

However this quote had me so happy about all this and I believe that it deserves a mention here:

"When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." : Kahlil Gibran

Words are running out.

But emotions would just keep overflowing. The amazing part is the apparent absence of the same with you.

I am impressed. You must try the equity markets..... emotional strength is a major positive in that profession.

Not the story.

I wonder what makes me keep going........ is it the hope or is it the need to be expressed ? I always believed it's the latter but the hope of her understanding is also there...but then wouldn't it hurt her or make her worried......I so wish that that does not happen, but I have removed references anyways.

Only thing I cant remove is the pain which now seems to be a bit of me now.. She gave me nothing..but at least this feeling she did give. Or maybe I just took it from her but still, she is the source of it... :) .

I cant believe ....still can't believe how she seems like the world even now. But she does. May the universe make her tread the path that is the best for her.

Paa ke rab kya karoon :) .

Speculation

From my knowledge of the female psyche, The female subconscious (when it comes to relationships) is governed by the primary human motive of producing the healthiest off-springs. It is sub-consciously drawn towards strength and power, since that has been the key to survival for as long as life has existed. Additionally, some are even attracted to intelligence.....looks are a newer phenomenon though. It is not that females did not have an appreciation for looks in the past, but it was looked at as a secondary male characteristic as men where the chosers and females were "suppposed" to please them.

Times changed, and the media began using the female body and the male facination towards it for selling products. The fashion caught on like wilfwire and the motive for maximising profits started to overrule any moral imperatives that might have existed. This caused a fundamental shift in the female mindset and they now look at themselves being the "chosers". However, subconsciously, they still like to be chosen....The mere fact that females love to dress up and love being complimented more than anything else clearly indicates that their desire for approval is overwhelming.

Despite the subconscious subservience, the conscious struggle against male dominance is stupid, simply since it amounts to fighting your own subconscious beliefs. Interestingly, the one I love could not care much less....probably the sad part is that she is a little too immature to take it easy (or maybe she has been "directed" not to care at all :( ).....anyways what matters is that she just went over the top and blew it....and what should not have been forgotten, seems to have been lost. :) .

You need to know this fellow before it gets over.

I would have appreciated everything, if only you knew me. You know only the tip of the person called Einstein. This person has been through times soft and tough....I have been tested with love and hatred....I won over those who hated me.....Its only that you can't fight those you love....You can only wait patiently till they finally decide to pay heed to you.

If only, ....If only you knew the person ...the person called Einstein .... I would not have bugged you...not for a moment even.

You'll be the stupidest smart girl I have ever met.

And I now wonder if I love stupid people.......not too sure though... :) .

My favorites: Part 1

Kal ho na ho.

Us haath ko.........tum thaam lo .
Wo meherbaan...........kal ho na ho.

When you find yourself.

Human beings. . . .  we are interesting creatures. I've never really thought of looking for "love" in life per se....I just wanted to be the scientist who brings glory to mankind through his discovery of the nature of spacetime. Anyways, that dream remains distant....however, a much more plausible dream somehow just sprang out of nowhere. I began to love this girl with unassuming approach and simple looks.

I would not know what she had been thinking like or is thinking like right now. I do not know if it would even ever be read by her.......however, I do know that as and when she matures and finds herself, either she will come to me, or someone who looks at her just the way I do. I am just hopeful that that happens sooner rather than later.

 My only issue is that the worldly pursuits would limit her ability to be herself. She definitely has a lot of maturity to gain, and in all probability that cost me my love.....but maybe I would not have fallen for a more mature her.

Anyways, I just love you girl. Come to me when you must. Not before.

"Somebody started loving ........................." : (Shakespeare)

I do not know... and I am not convinced.

I can not accept that you're too different that the one I loved...may be you're just a little too kiddish....maybe not so logical in terms of thinking but you are the one I love for a reason.... Its possible that I'd have been swayed by emotions during my explanations, but they came later....the girl with those abstract pictures and thoughts is not likely to be so different... The girl who quotes Shakespeare's most touching lines can't be so different than me........If only you knew me ....... You need to......

When I come to your place, I will try to have some of the issues addressed.

I dont know what it is, but it tells me that I must just not give up on you............that it would be a crime on us both. It is a conviction which is possibly a flawed one, but Its a beautiful explanation for what I have been doing.

Kal ho na ho ....

Tumhe apna banane ki khwahish to thi

Par tum hamare ho ye bhi humko kehna nahi

Gar yahi chahte ho to ye hi sahi

Ishq-e dariya me tumko utarna nahi .

Chakki peesing peesing peesing....

Guess we've had enough of sad posts here...a bit of humor for a change :) .

My love

Maybe true love is a decision. You know, a decision to take a chance with somebody. To give to somebody. Without worrying whether they'll give anything back. Or if they're gonna hurt you, or if they really are the one. 
 
Maybe love isn't something that happens to you. Maybe it's something you have to choose...


But for me, it seems the other way....it just happened. I did not chose ...I did not intend to.....never did, never would. That is where my subconscious got the better of me I guess. But I am still glad I loved you. It told me how much I can care....how much I can love....and how little it can matter.  Invaluable. 


And invaluable are each bit of memories that I have of you. 

And yes, to be honest to the core, I would say true love is sacrifice. Of any kind ......its such a shame that I can't even get to sacrifice ..... alll that is being sacrificed is the love itself....or maybe it's being killed. :) . I hope that it is you yourself who has chosen to kill it....otherwise its just a little silly . . . . and in that case, you need to reconsider.

Pagla gai hain sach me kaa....

Humko to samjh me nhi aa rha hai ke prablum kaa hai aapko .....


You are acting as if I issued death threat to you instead of professing my love. :) .

Udgaar :)

Hum tumhe kyaa bataein ti kya dikha tumme hume

Bas koi humko batade ........... ke kyu na tum insaa(n) rahe

Dekhte hum reh gae or kitne sapne tut gae

Or ham sapne ko sach karne ki khatir lut gae

Na tumhe hum dosh denge par tumhi khud soch lo

Pyar wo ek ehsaar hai jiske liye hum mit gae .....

Aother parody

This one is not quite as sad as the state of the affairs.

Aaaya mere man me kyu too
Diya mujhko prem ye kyu
Too hi hai sapna, too hi jaan
Maula mere, le le meri jaan

Padh bhi lena kabhi ye saari bakwas.

Itna khoobsoorat hai ye jahaan
Fir hum aa gae kyu is dagar, yahaan ?
Jise na hona chahiye tha dil me, wo hai ab yahaan
Pyar ko kyu na samajh pata hai insaan ?

Go on on on.

Terars may have run dry..
Dimag ka ho gya bheja fry
But the heart would't buy
It tells me go try, try & try.

Being Human to a Human being

A human is just flesh over bones....except for the brain and the consciousness (or an illusion of it).Add to it our emotions and you have a life. Add to it, love; and you've lived it with a sense of worth. You would probably never understand that your very dreams . . . . . . . (and what else could they be for a human) passed you from so close and you turned away. . . . . . . . . there is still time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . There will always be. . . . . . . . . . . till we either disappear for ever (if soul does not exists) or else, we will meet in heaven (hope that god does not send u to hell for this ...just kidding ok ?)

Till then, try to free your mind of confirming to the society ..... they will tell you what to do till you eventually give up. All that you need to give up is your attitude, as already discussed on facebook.  It shows fear more than anything else.

---OH (Chemical symbol for the alcoholic group.)

I frankly dont have much to write home. Am a little happy and sad today. I drank yesterday .... and drank badly at that. Never before did I do so. And I was told I was talking to you while drunk ... it was ridiculous. Everyone was asking me who you were .... I had to just fend them off by saying that it is a long story.

I can not exactly say that I became a drinker because of you but I certainly felt so happy after so much time....that kid woke up. So much out of chemicals that dull the senses...... it is actually amazing.

I think.

And the thoughts make me conclude that thinking is not such a wonderful thing after all. It may give momentary happiness but the sadness is permanent when it comes.

Another of those stories?

At the moment it is one of the classical stories where the guy does not know what hit him. I am pretty sure this blog would not have existed had it not been for your decision (was it yours?) not to talk.

Anyways, what is is. I can not be what I am not, I will not do what my heart does not approve of, although I may not do what my heart tells me because it would hurt you.

If love is sacrifice, I shall make it so long as I can convince myself....but there is a threshold, and I am only human.


Anyways, I got through two major interviews today, and have another call.... So much money on offer...so many girls in the world to choose from, but what makes me seek you beats my logical mind. It's crazy !

No two ways now.

It will probably get ugly before it ends, but thats the only way now. When in a corner, every living creature retaliates. Only thing is, I will try to be as civil as I can be. I am not "god" anyways.


Or maybe, just maybe; instead of getting ugly, it will get beautiful.

Cometh the hour, again.

My wounds are less painful now but questions are still unanswered. I think it is time to seek some answers now.

Ziddi to hain aap.

I appreciate the fact that you're stubborn enough to follow through with the apparent "oath" that you seemed to have taken (except the one exception) .

I am awed to see that kind of resolve, since I had twice thought of letting you go, but this longing got the better of me each time. I am so much in love, you see.

I am even aware that you may not even be reading this crap blog at all ....but hope is so audacious.

Anyways, I dreamed of you today too....and we were talking.....walking together on the beach....I never looked towards you .....and after a long time, when I did look towards you, you did not have a face.....it was dark black...I was horrified and woke up. Whatever it means, I just wanted to say that I love you.

Friendship Day .

Somebody once said:

"Love is friendship set on fire" .

That somebody was Jeremy Taylor.

A very happy friendship day to you. May you have a beautiful time ..and find the vision that I want you to. :)

Why o' chaos ?

Why did not the chaos of the universe make me with better looks ? I see no other reason but that . :( .]

Only thing is I never thought she is that superficial....I still do not.

Persistance is not adamance.

I know the most amazing thing for you would be that how could something in you be so great.............. that it has had me feel like you're my life for almost an year now...... I just hope you someday feel the same about someone the way I feel today for yo...and only then will you understand that I deserved better treatment, and if I did not really love you completely unconditionally, I would have stopped following up long long ago.

I persist because I can't turn the switch to the "off" state.  :) And that is because there is no such switch at all.

Girls . . :)

You, I love ...and you can't EVEN RESPOND ? .... Maybe you really can't understand. But it's a tragedy if you can.

I have a strong intuitive sense..... and I've learned to trust my intuitions ...(the risk of being wrong has to be taken sometimes.)

Love can not be demanded, but it can be born...........except in case of exceptions, which I trust you are not.

If you however are, I might be half past doomed  :)

Interesting perspectives.... :)

http://help.com/post/252446-why-does-he-love-me

You are what you are.

And you are whom I love.

Just seconds ago, I had goosebumps as I thought of you..... if there is something like prayer....then every bit of myself prayed for you.......... and as I type this.....I get that feeling again. I don't really know what true love is, if it is not this.

I don't really know love at all maybe.  Or maybe I know it too well.

Thoda sa thak gaya hoon.

Un sawalon ko lekar chala tha mai,
Badi door tak nikal gaya tha mai...

Par ab aisa lagta hai , ke jaise kadam chalte hain par mai ruk gaya hoon
Dil dhadakta hai, par khoon kehta hai ke mai jal gaya hoon

Is duniya ko khush karne ki koshisho se naraaz hoon.
Jo suni na unhone, wo awaaz hoon...

Samajhna mushkil na tha, ye soch ke hairaan hoon
Beech gulistaano ke, mai ek registaan hoon.

Aisa nahi ke har waqt pareshaan-o-hairaan hoon
Khair lagta hai ke mai to kho chuka jahaan hoon

Ishq shama se jisko, mai wo badkismat toofaan hoon.
Mehfil ke sitaaron, mai to bas ek aur kadr-daan hoon..

Par wo kyu bhul jaate hain, ke ummid-e-mohabbat me kurbaan hoon...
Shaq bas iska hai ke kya unki nazar me mai ab bhi insaan hoon ?

Na aai aap ko, mai wo haya hoon.
Soch lo bas ishq ka ek andaaze bayaan hoon.
Chlna hai zindagi bhar, raah par magar,
Is kadar kyu lag raha hai ....thak gaya hoon .

Delaying the inevitable

When we are not prepared to face something, we try to avoid it.

Eventually however, one has to face what one has to face. I have things to say and answers to seek. And while I respects everyone's choice to decide not to talk, I am looking to defend my right to seek answers to questions that would haunt me for life.

My challenge if that of an open debate. Or maybe a moderated one.....  but a debade is an absolute must :) .

To love a woman.

To really love a woman

To understand her - you gotta know it deep inside
Hear every thought - see every dream
N' give her wings - when she wants to fly
Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman you tell her
that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
she needs somebody to tell her
that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really 
- really really ever loved a woman?

To really love a woman
Let her hold you - 
til ya know how she needs to be touched
You've gotta breathe her - really taste her
Til you can feel her in your blood
N' when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman 
you tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
she needs somebody to tell her
that you'll always be together
So tell me have you ever really - 
really really ever loved a woman?

You got to give her some faith - hold her tight
A little tenderness - gotta treat her right
She will be there for you, takin' good care of you
Ya really gotta love your woman...

Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman you tell her
that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
she needs somebody to tell her
that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really 
- really really ever loved a woman?

Just tell me have you ever really, 
really, really, ever loved a woman? You got to tell me
Just tell me have you ever really,
really, really, ever loved a woman?

Pictures speak a few thousand words.

जिस जिससे पथ पर स्नेह मिला

जिस जिससे पथ पर स्नेह मिला
उस उस राही को धन्यवाद ।
जीवन अस्थिर अनजाने ही
हो जाता पथ पर मेल कहीं
सीमित पग-डग, लम्बी मंज़िल
तय कर लेना कुछ खेल नहीं
दाएँ-बाएँ सुख-दुख चलते
सम्मुख चलता पथ का प्रमाद
जिस जिससे पथ पर स्नेह मिला
उस उस राही को धन्यवाद ।
साँसों पर अवलम्बित काया
जब चलते-चलते चूर हुई
दो स्नेह-शब्द मिल गए, मिली
नव स्फूर्ति थकावट दूर हुई
पथ के पहचाने छूट गए
पर साथ-साथ चल रही याद
जिस जिससे पथ पर स्नेह मिला
उस उस राही को धन्यवाद ।
जो साथ न मेरा दे पाए
उनसे कब सूनी हुई डगर
मैं भी न चलूँ यदि तो भी क्या
राही मर लेकिन राह अमर
इस पथ पर वे ही चलते हैं
जो चलने का पा गए स्वाद
जिस जिससे पथ पर स्नेह मिला
उस उस राही को धन्यवाद ।
कैसे चल पाता यदि न मिला
होता मुझको आकुल-अन्तर
कैसे चल पाता यदि मिलते
चिर-तृप्ति अमरता-पूर्ण प्रहर
आभारी हूँ मैं उन सबका
दे गए व्यथा का जो प्रसाद
जिस जिससे पथ पर स्नेह मिला
उस उस राही को धन्यवाद ।

Posted: 6/8/10 , 1:53 AM

Wish I had no heart.

Oh gene, is it thy need ?
That makes my heart, bleed.
Or soul do you exist ?
To make us with love, persist .

What makes us swell with joy;
And subsequently, cry
And makes us somehow feel
That love can please, can heal ?
Why memories just would linger;
Of joy and sorrrow, bringer...
who holds the treacherous twine
who chose the pain to be mine ?

Who makes me see that only
feel in crowds, lonely
No logic to it, no art;
And so I wish, that I had no heart.

Posted: 5/18/10, 6:49 PM

_______________________________

From the flight.

I think of you as I fly
Above the white clouds, so high.
As my tears run dry…
All I ask, Is why ?

The plane soars, on it wings,
The pace is big, zings….
Did what I could, me thinks..
Yet why the heart stings?

The way I think, I do,
And feel this love for you….
I’ve found far between and few
To love is impossible, anew.

Now all I seek is peace…
Content with own, to each…
My love, you’re not in reach..
Forgetting is harder done than preached.

What I still can’t understand
As the plane banks, grand !!
Your love, I didn’t even demand
And yet, you declared: “The end”

I think of you as I fly..
As wisps of cloud go by…
Tears not yet fully dry..
And still the question, why ?
 
  _____________________________
 
"Whoso loves, believes the impossible." - Elizabeth Barrett

Amen to the thought. :-)



Posted: May 9th, 2010

Just some random thoughts.

Chup to reh jaate hum taumr ke tamasha na bane
Haan magar sach ye hai ki duniya ki wo azmat hi nahi...
Jin riwazon, or rasmon ke liye khaamoshi
Aise kufron ki to is dil me izzat hi nahi.

Dosh tera nahi maaloom hai humko e dost,
Bas ye afsos ke khud ko kabhi becha hi nahi.
Agar jo seekhta mai is jahaan ke rasmo rivaaz
Ghaliban aaj ke din hote tum kareeb kahin

Na hi gussa hai na hai insaan se nafrat mujhko
par is jahaan me adarsh ki keemat hi kahaan
Agar kitabon ko chod dein to sach hai ye meri jaan
Ke imtehaan to oopar se hi leta hai jahaan

Ke is kadar hum haare ke haar ban gae hum
Jo jeet bhi gae hote ko kya kar lete,
Yuhi zindagi ke chaar pal hamare agar
Hansi khushi se yu humsafar guzar lete

Nahi mila jo tu iska hume malal nahi,
Sawal ye magar, ke kyun ka bhi gumaan nahi
Ye sab adarsh jo kitabon me humne seekhe
Besharm duniya me unka koi sammaan nahi.

Hum to chutiye the pyaar paane nikle the,
Magar khade hain raah me liye teri yaadein
Kabhi samay mile to soch bhi lena ke magar
Kya or chahie ho hum de nahi paate ?


_______________________________________

Disclaimer: It is not meant to be even a decent shayari, so pardon me. I just intended to express myself.One expletive is used but it is not considered to be an expletive at all at the place where I belong to.

Objectivism applied to the scenario

Being a fan of Ayn Rand, I thought that I would be purely objective about the issue and not account for my gut or intuitive feelings.

My thoughts are:

1. Some of my friends, who've "been with" many girls/womes go to the extent of saying that all girls have an element of a "*****" in them. I never really paid heed to them before. I believe that as soon as love becomes a "take and give" thing, it becomes an arrangement...the same as in the case of a "*****". It is interesting that most women do "need things/sentiments/emotions before they can love".

Of all people, if you did this; All that that has done is that it has made me certain that thea of women being all gentle and sensitive and caring is a fallacy.

Women have increasingly turned masculine. Men are majorly responsible for it as well. It is stupid to overvalue women just by falling for the "one love" logic. It (the one love idea) gives unwarranted leverage to the females.

I can't believe that I have been living through a false idea forever. There is no logical reason for a man to live his life with just one, two, three or for that matter any number of women. The male is logically entitled to look to maximise his opportunities ....as "The selfish gene" by Richard Dawkins puts it: A male must ensure that his gene gets as many replicas as possible. According to him, that is the only reason that makes us feel the need for association with the opposite sex.

I have written what I have from a purely objectivist point of view, and that is not my personal opinion. As an objectivist, I can appreciate that emotions are useless, but the person in myself still sees value in the girl that he loves.

The idea needs to be basically uprooted from my psyche. Its just a predator-prey relationship that the opposite sexes seem to have, the only difference being that both sides are under the delusion of their own version of morality mostly.

Before I mailed.

This is a sample of my sentiments "pre-expression" .

Expressions.

I was just trying to imagine the kind of image that I would have in the eyes of her family members. I do not know how much they know, I do not expect them to be sympathetic though. I do not expect them to understand, most definitely not the brother, who is in the most sensitive position, considering his age and all. I presume that I must be being referred as the “lafanga” or the “loafer” or something of that sort…. I have seen the same being done to a guy by my mother’s family in her native place. I never quite understood why they started hateing that guy so much for loving my maasi (mother's sister). Just because he told that he loved her, he was suddenly a loafer and what not (and before that he used to be very close to our family.) So that is as hypocritical as people get. No surprise for me if the kind of adjectives would be being used for myself.

Again, for me, what matters most is that my conscience stays clear, and that it is. I am proud of myself and for the fact that I truly loved this girl and went ahead with the expression in the most plain possible way. I went on with the sentiments and all only later. I never wanted to manipulate or pressure or "trick" her into loving me and did not. I believed that she somehow was looking for this elusive idea of “true love”. Looking for the same myself, I just had to look to help both of us, right ?

I know that she will probably never read this. I imagine that she has probably been conditioned and "poisoned" against me enough that she would not care even one bit, but the fact remains that she remains obliged to respond to the questions that I have for her.

And these answers are not to be given as much through words as through deeds.
Questions: Why no response to my love ?
Questions: Why fear from love?
Question: Why run away from love?
Question: Why stop talking because I love you? Because I care for you more than the world (except my family members, off course).
Question: Why say “sorry” and not “thank you” ?
Question: Why say “bhool jaao” ?
Question: Why so serious ? :P (okay that was my way of being funny while imitating Heath Ledger)

Question: How much more love can you get in this world …. If for once, you face the fact that this guy from 2000 Kilometers away has travelled 10000 kilometers just for a word with you…just for a sight of you…just for a little sound from your vocal chord to hit his eardrums :P …. You would know that this is just what you might end up seeking for the rest of your life.

I have been with guys….thousands of them….and I hope I find someone soon who is worthy of loving you. I am sure I must not be, but none else has really matched my moral standards… but again, our moral standards may be different.

Maybe a more “Imran Khan” lookalike guy would suit you better….. but maybe looks would matter only for the first few months … and maybe he would still love you the way I would have…..may it happen….but better yet, May you realize what I am …and that I am here with my conscience intact.

I stand my ground when I say that I love you, and god willing, I shall one day come to your father for your hand, that is for sure.

May god (if it exists) grant me the strength for becoming capable enough.

May it grant me the strength to face my fears and sorrows, as and when I am faced with them.

May it keep you happy, and help you see me for what I am.

Amen.

Nahi milte yahan ehsaas nibhaane wale.

Samandar ke kinare hum the der tak lekin
Use to do bund pilana bhi gavara na hua.

Mareinge pyaas me hum, gum nahi iska humko
Unhe to aankh milana bhi gavara na hua.

Badi talaash se paaya tha aapko humne,
Ba-intezaam ye tumko jatayaa humne

Agar wo behaya hote to dard na hota
Magar jo hai nahin, wo usme, gavara na hua.

Ye to maana ke mohabbat nahi karna humse
magar ye baat yaad rakh sako to rakh lena

Kabhi jo ishq kisi se karna, meri jaan
Ummidein apne dilo-jaan me na palne dena

Hazar khwahishein hain aisi jo na poori hongi
Hazaar sapne bhi aise hai jo toote honge,

Magar sukoon hai ke tum jaante to ho ke yahaan
Teri yaadon ke sahare hi jee rahe honge.

Bas ek sawal hai jo beqaraar karta hai
Kabhi kisi se koi yu iqraar karta hai

Koi jazbaat to dil me tere uthe honge
Aji ye pyar hi tha, alaan e jung tha to nahi

Jo dil sawaal kare dil jawaab deta hai
Tum kya samjhoge a dimag ki sunne wale

Kabhi hum bhi aise the, yaqinan meri jaan
Magar ye pyar ne saare samaan badal dale.

Ye faisla ke lab nahi kholeinge kabhi
Badi mushkil se lagta hai ke liya hoga

Magar khayaal ho kahin kisi insaan ke liye,
yehi ek faisla taaumr ki saza hoga.

Jaa rahe the tum mod ke mu humse magar
Kadam ko har kisi yu foonk ke rakha hoga

Khade the hum to wahi raah me ek arse tak
Kabhi dobara tumne gaur na kiya hoga.

Bade gamo se nikal ke thi shayari seekhi
Mile na tum to kya, apni koi aukaat nahi.

Kabhi jo dil ki samajhna to baat kar lena
Magar ehsaan na karna, ye sahi baat nahi

Umar ka raasta lamba hai, mod aaya tha,
Aji aasaani se muh mod ke jaane wale

Jo mud ke dekhte agar to ilm ho jaata
Nahi milte yahan ehsaas nibhaane wale.

And maybe...just maybe I overvalue myself.

I thought that a human life is invaluable... precious..priceless...but then maybe I just do not matter enough. Not to her and most definitely not to anyone in her family.

Human beings will hopefully, one day actually start to care for others beyond just the ones they've known for their lives.....that day will mark the end of wars, fights and nation states as we know them.

On a strange but true note: I almost envy "Million" .

A bit about myself and my state of mind

Sometimes, when I am in the intellectual garb of mine, I talk about how emotions are futile creations of our mind. I talk about how emotions make people do the needless and work at less than their peak potential. However, I find myself in exactly the same state.

This has Some solutions.

1. Either I try to convince my emotional self (usually referred to as the "heart") that love is an illusion,which would mean that I would not even look to love anyone on earth. However, the very convincing is practically impossible.

2. Or, I Try to induce anger in me.....to be angry at her inability to appreciate my sentiments....but something within me knows that she understands. Only that she can't reciprocate, and for some weird reason feels difficult to interact post the "iqraar" :) .

3. Or, I turn into the flashy guys....do a bit of bodybuilding , wear flashy stuff and play with the "bitches" as they call them..... but then that is not who I am from within.... so again a no go.

4. Another solution: I wait till I can get over her memories (limited) . But for now the love seems to be too ingrained in me....alsmot as if my soul seeks her company. I can't understand what issues one can have in being friends ... platonic friends forever....

Like Greenspan and Ayn Rand.

5. The most beautiful thing possible is if she reads this and can begin to love me. The love that I seek is what I have already spelled out. Its purely the person called ********** whom I love and her goodness. I did not have a choice in loving her....and I don't se a choice in stopping that.

It is not a switch to turn on and off.

6. Even more beautiful would be if her parents would read it and understand. I don't really expect them to, considering the society that we live in, but if that happens, I would be the happiest soul on the planet.

My heart will .. .. .. Go on .. .. .. and on.

Aaoge Jab tum .

Dard me. . .

Dard me bhi ye lab, muskuraa jaate hain,
Beete lamhe hume, jab bhi yaad aate hain. :) .


I never thought that this pain would last this long. Maybe I really loved her a little too much, or maybe this illusion of love was too strong..

Anyways, a little message for you:

सितारों को आँखों में महफूज़ रख लो,

बहुत दूर तक रात ही रात होगी ।

मुसाफिर हैं हम भी, मुसाफिर हो तुम भी,

किसी मोड़ पर फिर मुलाकात होगी ।।

Have I been selfish ?

I have been thinking if I have been selfish. If I have been so lost in my pain and sorrow that I ended up hurting my love..... maybe I need to look at the situation from her point of view as well. Since I have no answers, I shall in time try to look at things from her perspective (as I can best judge it) and post here.

This blog was never meant to be read by the one that It is about, but somehow somebody just managed to break my trust. I must say it was disappointing to say the least. Anyways, Now I hope that she does read this. I have been writing everyday. Whenever I feel the need to talk to her, to say anything, to complaint etc, I write ...errrr...type....and then remove all direct references to her and finally post it here.

So much that I have felt for her despite what I have been dished out, I want her to know this since she must. Since this is one human completely in love with another and no reason exists to look down on this feeling.

I LOVE YOU GIRL. EVEN IF I AM SLIGHTLY ANGRY, I LOVE YOU.

पगली लड़की :)

Pagli Ladki


Mawas ki kaali raaton mein dil ka darwaja khulta hai,
Jab dard ki pyaali raaton mein gam ansoon ke sang hote hain,
Jab pichwade ke kamre mein hum nipat akele hote hain,
Jab ghadiyan tik-tik chalti hain, sab sote hain, hum rote hain,
Jab baar baar dohrane se saari yaadein chuk jaati hain,
Jab unch-neech samjhane mein mathe ki nas dukh jaati hain,
Tab ek pagli ladki ke bin jeena gaddari lagta hai,
Aur us pagli ladki ke bin marna bhi bhari lagta hai.


Jab pothe khali hote hain, jab har sawali hote hain,
Jab gazlen raas nahin aatin, afsane gaali hote hain.
Jab baasi feeki dhoop sametein din jaldi dhal jaata hai,
Jab suraj ka laskhar chhat se galiyon mein der se jaata hai,
Jab jaldi ghar jaane ki ichha mann hi mann ghut jaati hai,
Jab college se ghar laane waali pahli bus chhut jaati hai,
Jab beman se khaana khaane par maa gussa ho jaati hai,
Jab lakh mana karne par bhi paaro padhne aa jaati hai,
Jab apna har manchaha kaam koi lachari lagta hai,
Tab ek pagli ladki ke bin jeena gaddari lagta hai,
Aur us pagli ladki ke bin marna bhi bhari lagta hai.


Jab kamre mein sannate ki awaj sunai deti hai,
Jab darpan mein aankhon ke neeche jhai dikhai deti hai,
Jab badki bhabhi kahti hain, kuchh sehat ka bhi dhyan karo,
Kya likhte ho dinbhar, kuchh sapnon ka bhi samman karo,
Jab baba waali baithak mein kuchh rishte waale aate hain,
Jab baba humein bulate hain, hum jaate hain, ghabrate hain,
Jab saari pahne ek ladki ka ek photo laya jaata hai,
Jab bhabhi humein manati hain, photo dikhlaya jaata hai,
Jab saare ghar ka samjhana humko fankari lagta hai,
Tab ek pagli ladki ke bin jeena gaddari lagta hai,
Aur us pagli ladki ke bin marna bhi bhari lagta hai.


Didi kahti hain us pagli ladki ki kuchh aukat nahin,
Uske dil mein bhaiya tere jaise pyare jasbat nahin,
Woh pagli ladki nau din mere liye bhooki rahti hai,
Chup-chup saare vrat karti hai, par mujhse kabhi na kahti hai,
Jo pagli ladki kahti hai, main pyar tumhi se karti hoon,
Lekin mein hoon majboor bahut, amma-baba se darti hoon,
Us pagli ladki par apna kuchh adhikar nahin baba,
Yeh katha-kahani kisse hain, kuchh bhi to saar nahin baba,
Bas us pagli ladki ke sang jeena fulwari lagta hai,
Aur us pagli ladki ke bhin marna bhi bhari lagta hai.

~ Dr Kumar Viswas (At Moksha'04, NSIT)