Why o' chaos ?

Why did not the chaos of the universe make me with better looks ? I see no other reason but that . :( .]

Only thing is I never thought she is that superficial....I still do not.

Persistance is not adamance.

I know the most amazing thing for you would be that how could something in you be so great.............. that it has had me feel like you're my life for almost an year now...... I just hope you someday feel the same about someone the way I feel today for yo...and only then will you understand that I deserved better treatment, and if I did not really love you completely unconditionally, I would have stopped following up long long ago.

I persist because I can't turn the switch to the "off" state.  :) And that is because there is no such switch at all.

Girls . . :)

You, I love ...and you can't EVEN RESPOND ? .... Maybe you really can't understand. But it's a tragedy if you can.

I have a strong intuitive sense..... and I've learned to trust my intuitions ...(the risk of being wrong has to be taken sometimes.)

Love can not be demanded, but it can be born...........except in case of exceptions, which I trust you are not.

If you however are, I might be half past doomed  :)

Interesting perspectives.... :)

http://help.com/post/252446-why-does-he-love-me

You are what you are.

And you are whom I love.

Just seconds ago, I had goosebumps as I thought of you..... if there is something like prayer....then every bit of myself prayed for you.......... and as I type this.....I get that feeling again. I don't really know what true love is, if it is not this.

I don't really know love at all maybe.  Or maybe I know it too well.

Thoda sa thak gaya hoon.

Un sawalon ko lekar chala tha mai,
Badi door tak nikal gaya tha mai...

Par ab aisa lagta hai , ke jaise kadam chalte hain par mai ruk gaya hoon
Dil dhadakta hai, par khoon kehta hai ke mai jal gaya hoon

Is duniya ko khush karne ki koshisho se naraaz hoon.
Jo suni na unhone, wo awaaz hoon...

Samajhna mushkil na tha, ye soch ke hairaan hoon
Beech gulistaano ke, mai ek registaan hoon.

Aisa nahi ke har waqt pareshaan-o-hairaan hoon
Khair lagta hai ke mai to kho chuka jahaan hoon

Ishq shama se jisko, mai wo badkismat toofaan hoon.
Mehfil ke sitaaron, mai to bas ek aur kadr-daan hoon..

Par wo kyu bhul jaate hain, ke ummid-e-mohabbat me kurbaan hoon...
Shaq bas iska hai ke kya unki nazar me mai ab bhi insaan hoon ?

Na aai aap ko, mai wo haya hoon.
Soch lo bas ishq ka ek andaaze bayaan hoon.
Chlna hai zindagi bhar, raah par magar,
Is kadar kyu lag raha hai ....thak gaya hoon .

Delaying the inevitable

When we are not prepared to face something, we try to avoid it.

Eventually however, one has to face what one has to face. I have things to say and answers to seek. And while I respects everyone's choice to decide not to talk, I am looking to defend my right to seek answers to questions that would haunt me for life.

My challenge if that of an open debate. Or maybe a moderated one.....  but a debade is an absolute must :) .

To love a woman.

To really love a woman

To understand her - you gotta know it deep inside
Hear every thought - see every dream
N' give her wings - when she wants to fly
Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman you tell her
that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
she needs somebody to tell her
that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really 
- really really ever loved a woman?

To really love a woman
Let her hold you - 
til ya know how she needs to be touched
You've gotta breathe her - really taste her
Til you can feel her in your blood
N' when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman

When you love a woman 
you tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
she needs somebody to tell her
that you'll always be together
So tell me have you ever really - 
really really ever loved a woman?

You got to give her some faith - hold her tight
A little tenderness - gotta treat her right
She will be there for you, takin' good care of you
Ya really gotta love your woman...

Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman you tell her
that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
she needs somebody to tell her
that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really 
- really really ever loved a woman?

Just tell me have you ever really, 
really, really, ever loved a woman? You got to tell me
Just tell me have you ever really,
really, really, ever loved a woman?

Pictures speak a few thousand words.

जिस जिससे पथ पर स्नेह मिला

जिस जिससे पथ पर स्नेह मिला
उस उस राही को धन्यवाद ।
जीवन अस्थिर अनजाने ही
हो जाता पथ पर मेल कहीं
सीमित पग-डग, लम्बी मंज़िल
तय कर लेना कुछ खेल नहीं
दाएँ-बाएँ सुख-दुख चलते
सम्मुख चलता पथ का प्रमाद
जिस जिससे पथ पर स्नेह मिला
उस उस राही को धन्यवाद ।
साँसों पर अवलम्बित काया
जब चलते-चलते चूर हुई
दो स्नेह-शब्द मिल गए, मिली
नव स्फूर्ति थकावट दूर हुई
पथ के पहचाने छूट गए
पर साथ-साथ चल रही याद
जिस जिससे पथ पर स्नेह मिला
उस उस राही को धन्यवाद ।
जो साथ न मेरा दे पाए
उनसे कब सूनी हुई डगर
मैं भी न चलूँ यदि तो भी क्या
राही मर लेकिन राह अमर
इस पथ पर वे ही चलते हैं
जो चलने का पा गए स्वाद
जिस जिससे पथ पर स्नेह मिला
उस उस राही को धन्यवाद ।
कैसे चल पाता यदि न मिला
होता मुझको आकुल-अन्तर
कैसे चल पाता यदि मिलते
चिर-तृप्ति अमरता-पूर्ण प्रहर
आभारी हूँ मैं उन सबका
दे गए व्यथा का जो प्रसाद
जिस जिससे पथ पर स्नेह मिला
उस उस राही को धन्यवाद ।

Posted: 6/8/10 , 1:53 AM

Wish I had no heart.

Oh gene, is it thy need ?
That makes my heart, bleed.
Or soul do you exist ?
To make us with love, persist .

What makes us swell with joy;
And subsequently, cry
And makes us somehow feel
That love can please, can heal ?
Why memories just would linger;
Of joy and sorrrow, bringer...
who holds the treacherous twine
who chose the pain to be mine ?

Who makes me see that only
feel in crowds, lonely
No logic to it, no art;
And so I wish, that I had no heart.

Posted: 5/18/10, 6:49 PM

_______________________________

From the flight.

I think of you as I fly
Above the white clouds, so high.
As my tears run dry…
All I ask, Is why ?

The plane soars, on it wings,
The pace is big, zings….
Did what I could, me thinks..
Yet why the heart stings?

The way I think, I do,
And feel this love for you….
I’ve found far between and few
To love is impossible, anew.

Now all I seek is peace…
Content with own, to each…
My love, you’re not in reach..
Forgetting is harder done than preached.

What I still can’t understand
As the plane banks, grand !!
Your love, I didn’t even demand
And yet, you declared: “The end”

I think of you as I fly..
As wisps of cloud go by…
Tears not yet fully dry..
And still the question, why ?
 
  _____________________________
 
"Whoso loves, believes the impossible." - Elizabeth Barrett

Amen to the thought. :-)



Posted: May 9th, 2010

Just some random thoughts.

Chup to reh jaate hum taumr ke tamasha na bane
Haan magar sach ye hai ki duniya ki wo azmat hi nahi...
Jin riwazon, or rasmon ke liye khaamoshi
Aise kufron ki to is dil me izzat hi nahi.

Dosh tera nahi maaloom hai humko e dost,
Bas ye afsos ke khud ko kabhi becha hi nahi.
Agar jo seekhta mai is jahaan ke rasmo rivaaz
Ghaliban aaj ke din hote tum kareeb kahin

Na hi gussa hai na hai insaan se nafrat mujhko
par is jahaan me adarsh ki keemat hi kahaan
Agar kitabon ko chod dein to sach hai ye meri jaan
Ke imtehaan to oopar se hi leta hai jahaan

Ke is kadar hum haare ke haar ban gae hum
Jo jeet bhi gae hote ko kya kar lete,
Yuhi zindagi ke chaar pal hamare agar
Hansi khushi se yu humsafar guzar lete

Nahi mila jo tu iska hume malal nahi,
Sawal ye magar, ke kyun ka bhi gumaan nahi
Ye sab adarsh jo kitabon me humne seekhe
Besharm duniya me unka koi sammaan nahi.

Hum to chutiye the pyaar paane nikle the,
Magar khade hain raah me liye teri yaadein
Kabhi samay mile to soch bhi lena ke magar
Kya or chahie ho hum de nahi paate ?


_______________________________________

Disclaimer: It is not meant to be even a decent shayari, so pardon me. I just intended to express myself.One expletive is used but it is not considered to be an expletive at all at the place where I belong to.

Objectivism applied to the scenario

Being a fan of Ayn Rand, I thought that I would be purely objective about the issue and not account for my gut or intuitive feelings.

My thoughts are:

1. Some of my friends, who've "been with" many girls/womes go to the extent of saying that all girls have an element of a "*****" in them. I never really paid heed to them before. I believe that as soon as love becomes a "take and give" thing, it becomes an arrangement...the same as in the case of a "*****". It is interesting that most women do "need things/sentiments/emotions before they can love".

Of all people, if you did this; All that that has done is that it has made me certain that thea of women being all gentle and sensitive and caring is a fallacy.

Women have increasingly turned masculine. Men are majorly responsible for it as well. It is stupid to overvalue women just by falling for the "one love" logic. It (the one love idea) gives unwarranted leverage to the females.

I can't believe that I have been living through a false idea forever. There is no logical reason for a man to live his life with just one, two, three or for that matter any number of women. The male is logically entitled to look to maximise his opportunities ....as "The selfish gene" by Richard Dawkins puts it: A male must ensure that his gene gets as many replicas as possible. According to him, that is the only reason that makes us feel the need for association with the opposite sex.

I have written what I have from a purely objectivist point of view, and that is not my personal opinion. As an objectivist, I can appreciate that emotions are useless, but the person in myself still sees value in the girl that he loves.

The idea needs to be basically uprooted from my psyche. Its just a predator-prey relationship that the opposite sexes seem to have, the only difference being that both sides are under the delusion of their own version of morality mostly.

Before I mailed.

This is a sample of my sentiments "pre-expression" .

Expressions.

I was just trying to imagine the kind of image that I would have in the eyes of her family members. I do not know how much they know, I do not expect them to be sympathetic though. I do not expect them to understand, most definitely not the brother, who is in the most sensitive position, considering his age and all. I presume that I must be being referred as the “lafanga” or the “loafer” or something of that sort…. I have seen the same being done to a guy by my mother’s family in her native place. I never quite understood why they started hateing that guy so much for loving my maasi (mother's sister). Just because he told that he loved her, he was suddenly a loafer and what not (and before that he used to be very close to our family.) So that is as hypocritical as people get. No surprise for me if the kind of adjectives would be being used for myself.

Again, for me, what matters most is that my conscience stays clear, and that it is. I am proud of myself and for the fact that I truly loved this girl and went ahead with the expression in the most plain possible way. I went on with the sentiments and all only later. I never wanted to manipulate or pressure or "trick" her into loving me and did not. I believed that she somehow was looking for this elusive idea of “true love”. Looking for the same myself, I just had to look to help both of us, right ?

I know that she will probably never read this. I imagine that she has probably been conditioned and "poisoned" against me enough that she would not care even one bit, but the fact remains that she remains obliged to respond to the questions that I have for her.

And these answers are not to be given as much through words as through deeds.
Questions: Why no response to my love ?
Questions: Why fear from love?
Question: Why run away from love?
Question: Why stop talking because I love you? Because I care for you more than the world (except my family members, off course).
Question: Why say “sorry” and not “thank you” ?
Question: Why say “bhool jaao” ?
Question: Why so serious ? :P (okay that was my way of being funny while imitating Heath Ledger)

Question: How much more love can you get in this world …. If for once, you face the fact that this guy from 2000 Kilometers away has travelled 10000 kilometers just for a word with you…just for a sight of you…just for a little sound from your vocal chord to hit his eardrums :P …. You would know that this is just what you might end up seeking for the rest of your life.

I have been with guys….thousands of them….and I hope I find someone soon who is worthy of loving you. I am sure I must not be, but none else has really matched my moral standards… but again, our moral standards may be different.

Maybe a more “Imran Khan” lookalike guy would suit you better….. but maybe looks would matter only for the first few months … and maybe he would still love you the way I would have…..may it happen….but better yet, May you realize what I am …and that I am here with my conscience intact.

I stand my ground when I say that I love you, and god willing, I shall one day come to your father for your hand, that is for sure.

May god (if it exists) grant me the strength for becoming capable enough.

May it grant me the strength to face my fears and sorrows, as and when I am faced with them.

May it keep you happy, and help you see me for what I am.

Amen.

Nahi milte yahan ehsaas nibhaane wale.

Samandar ke kinare hum the der tak lekin
Use to do bund pilana bhi gavara na hua.

Mareinge pyaas me hum, gum nahi iska humko
Unhe to aankh milana bhi gavara na hua.

Badi talaash se paaya tha aapko humne,
Ba-intezaam ye tumko jatayaa humne

Agar wo behaya hote to dard na hota
Magar jo hai nahin, wo usme, gavara na hua.

Ye to maana ke mohabbat nahi karna humse
magar ye baat yaad rakh sako to rakh lena

Kabhi jo ishq kisi se karna, meri jaan
Ummidein apne dilo-jaan me na palne dena

Hazar khwahishein hain aisi jo na poori hongi
Hazaar sapne bhi aise hai jo toote honge,

Magar sukoon hai ke tum jaante to ho ke yahaan
Teri yaadon ke sahare hi jee rahe honge.

Bas ek sawal hai jo beqaraar karta hai
Kabhi kisi se koi yu iqraar karta hai

Koi jazbaat to dil me tere uthe honge
Aji ye pyar hi tha, alaan e jung tha to nahi

Jo dil sawaal kare dil jawaab deta hai
Tum kya samjhoge a dimag ki sunne wale

Kabhi hum bhi aise the, yaqinan meri jaan
Magar ye pyar ne saare samaan badal dale.

Ye faisla ke lab nahi kholeinge kabhi
Badi mushkil se lagta hai ke liya hoga

Magar khayaal ho kahin kisi insaan ke liye,
yehi ek faisla taaumr ki saza hoga.

Jaa rahe the tum mod ke mu humse magar
Kadam ko har kisi yu foonk ke rakha hoga

Khade the hum to wahi raah me ek arse tak
Kabhi dobara tumne gaur na kiya hoga.

Bade gamo se nikal ke thi shayari seekhi
Mile na tum to kya, apni koi aukaat nahi.

Kabhi jo dil ki samajhna to baat kar lena
Magar ehsaan na karna, ye sahi baat nahi

Umar ka raasta lamba hai, mod aaya tha,
Aji aasaani se muh mod ke jaane wale

Jo mud ke dekhte agar to ilm ho jaata
Nahi milte yahan ehsaas nibhaane wale.

And maybe...just maybe I overvalue myself.

I thought that a human life is invaluable... precious..priceless...but then maybe I just do not matter enough. Not to her and most definitely not to anyone in her family.

Human beings will hopefully, one day actually start to care for others beyond just the ones they've known for their lives.....that day will mark the end of wars, fights and nation states as we know them.

On a strange but true note: I almost envy "Million" .

A bit about myself and my state of mind

Sometimes, when I am in the intellectual garb of mine, I talk about how emotions are futile creations of our mind. I talk about how emotions make people do the needless and work at less than their peak potential. However, I find myself in exactly the same state.

This has Some solutions.

1. Either I try to convince my emotional self (usually referred to as the "heart") that love is an illusion,which would mean that I would not even look to love anyone on earth. However, the very convincing is practically impossible.

2. Or, I Try to induce anger in me.....to be angry at her inability to appreciate my sentiments....but something within me knows that she understands. Only that she can't reciprocate, and for some weird reason feels difficult to interact post the "iqraar" :) .

3. Or, I turn into the flashy guys....do a bit of bodybuilding , wear flashy stuff and play with the "bitches" as they call them..... but then that is not who I am from within.... so again a no go.

4. Another solution: I wait till I can get over her memories (limited) . But for now the love seems to be too ingrained in me....alsmot as if my soul seeks her company. I can't understand what issues one can have in being friends ... platonic friends forever....

Like Greenspan and Ayn Rand.

5. The most beautiful thing possible is if she reads this and can begin to love me. The love that I seek is what I have already spelled out. Its purely the person called ********** whom I love and her goodness. I did not have a choice in loving her....and I don't se a choice in stopping that.

It is not a switch to turn on and off.

6. Even more beautiful would be if her parents would read it and understand. I don't really expect them to, considering the society that we live in, but if that happens, I would be the happiest soul on the planet.

My heart will .. .. .. Go on .. .. .. and on.

Aaoge Jab tum .

Dard me. . .

Dard me bhi ye lab, muskuraa jaate hain,
Beete lamhe hume, jab bhi yaad aate hain. :) .


I never thought that this pain would last this long. Maybe I really loved her a little too much, or maybe this illusion of love was too strong..

Anyways, a little message for you:

सितारों को आँखों में महफूज़ रख लो,

बहुत दूर तक रात ही रात होगी ।

मुसाफिर हैं हम भी, मुसाफिर हो तुम भी,

किसी मोड़ पर फिर मुलाकात होगी ।।

Have I been selfish ?

I have been thinking if I have been selfish. If I have been so lost in my pain and sorrow that I ended up hurting my love..... maybe I need to look at the situation from her point of view as well. Since I have no answers, I shall in time try to look at things from her perspective (as I can best judge it) and post here.

This blog was never meant to be read by the one that It is about, but somehow somebody just managed to break my trust. I must say it was disappointing to say the least. Anyways, Now I hope that she does read this. I have been writing everyday. Whenever I feel the need to talk to her, to say anything, to complaint etc, I write ...errrr...type....and then remove all direct references to her and finally post it here.

So much that I have felt for her despite what I have been dished out, I want her to know this since she must. Since this is one human completely in love with another and no reason exists to look down on this feeling.

I LOVE YOU GIRL. EVEN IF I AM SLIGHTLY ANGRY, I LOVE YOU.

पगली लड़की :)

Pagli Ladki


Mawas ki kaali raaton mein dil ka darwaja khulta hai,
Jab dard ki pyaali raaton mein gam ansoon ke sang hote hain,
Jab pichwade ke kamre mein hum nipat akele hote hain,
Jab ghadiyan tik-tik chalti hain, sab sote hain, hum rote hain,
Jab baar baar dohrane se saari yaadein chuk jaati hain,
Jab unch-neech samjhane mein mathe ki nas dukh jaati hain,
Tab ek pagli ladki ke bin jeena gaddari lagta hai,
Aur us pagli ladki ke bin marna bhi bhari lagta hai.


Jab pothe khali hote hain, jab har sawali hote hain,
Jab gazlen raas nahin aatin, afsane gaali hote hain.
Jab baasi feeki dhoop sametein din jaldi dhal jaata hai,
Jab suraj ka laskhar chhat se galiyon mein der se jaata hai,
Jab jaldi ghar jaane ki ichha mann hi mann ghut jaati hai,
Jab college se ghar laane waali pahli bus chhut jaati hai,
Jab beman se khaana khaane par maa gussa ho jaati hai,
Jab lakh mana karne par bhi paaro padhne aa jaati hai,
Jab apna har manchaha kaam koi lachari lagta hai,
Tab ek pagli ladki ke bin jeena gaddari lagta hai,
Aur us pagli ladki ke bin marna bhi bhari lagta hai.


Jab kamre mein sannate ki awaj sunai deti hai,
Jab darpan mein aankhon ke neeche jhai dikhai deti hai,
Jab badki bhabhi kahti hain, kuchh sehat ka bhi dhyan karo,
Kya likhte ho dinbhar, kuchh sapnon ka bhi samman karo,
Jab baba waali baithak mein kuchh rishte waale aate hain,
Jab baba humein bulate hain, hum jaate hain, ghabrate hain,
Jab saari pahne ek ladki ka ek photo laya jaata hai,
Jab bhabhi humein manati hain, photo dikhlaya jaata hai,
Jab saare ghar ka samjhana humko fankari lagta hai,
Tab ek pagli ladki ke bin jeena gaddari lagta hai,
Aur us pagli ladki ke bin marna bhi bhari lagta hai.


Didi kahti hain us pagli ladki ki kuchh aukat nahin,
Uske dil mein bhaiya tere jaise pyare jasbat nahin,
Woh pagli ladki nau din mere liye bhooki rahti hai,
Chup-chup saare vrat karti hai, par mujhse kabhi na kahti hai,
Jo pagli ladki kahti hai, main pyar tumhi se karti hoon,
Lekin mein hoon majboor bahut, amma-baba se darti hoon,
Us pagli ladki par apna kuchh adhikar nahin baba,
Yeh katha-kahani kisse hain, kuchh bhi to saar nahin baba,
Bas us pagli ladki ke sang jeena fulwari lagta hai,
Aur us pagli ladki ke bhin marna bhi bhari lagta hai.

~ Dr Kumar Viswas (At Moksha'04, NSIT)

मैं किस्से को हक़ीक़त में, बदल बैठा तो हंगामा ‌।‌

अभी‌ तक डूब कर सुनते थे सब किस्सा मोहब्बत का,
मैं किस्से को हक़ीक़त में,  बदल बैठा तो हंगामा ‌।‌

What could have been.

Except the dying part. I will not, I just will not die for (without) you , unless it saves your life or something.

Chay ki makkhi.

Roz peete hai chai ...
Aap bhee peete honge... (aai haai):P

Roz peete hai chai.
Aap bhe peete honge aai hai...

Aji humne apni baat kya rakhi...
Aji humne, apni baat...kya rakhi..

Maano unki chai me pad gai makkhi....

Bas ek hi jhatke me kar diya bahar..
Jaise hum the koi besura, betaala shayar...

Jaise kisi car ka puncture tyre...
Jaise koi bandook kare back-fire....

Suroor unka tha (hai) ya khwaab hamara ghalib
Farq hi kya magar is baat ka padne wala ...
Dard aisa mila kya bataun, e mere maula
Maut ka dar tha jo is dil se wo mita daala.

Aisa bhi kya situm humne barpaa diya..
Ek hi baar me jo, wo pagla gai
Arze chaahat kiya tha magar kya huaa...
Baat humse karein ye gavaara nahi.

Itni sanki jo thi to bataana to tha..
itne naatak banae rahi kyu magar..
sach yahi thaa tumhara agar jaanasheen
Dhundhti fir rahi kya thi tum har dagar ?.....

Maine maana nahi ishq sauda magar
Ye chalega agar tum nahi kar saki
Dosti to magaer cheez niswaarth hai...
Kyu use bhi, nibhaakar nahi reh saki ?

Enough of self pity

Time to write a little about the plight of people who can not appreciate other's feelings . People usually shrug it off as "their problem" ...and Not my issue .. and what not ..

Its very easy to say that you're not responsible. It really is. What we forget is that sometimes, there are lives at stake at the other end.

Continuing from yesterday....got interrupted by sleep....slept on the table itself.. :(

Not much to write and no room for elaborating so I guess this is all that I can extend to....the mood is a little mixed.... don't really know what to do.

Shall look to complete it later. :)

O sayonee . . . .

I want to die today.

Just got up

Feeling Bad

Feeling like I am redundant.

What good is financial analytics

What use is money

What purpose is there in earning ?

What reason is there for my anguish.

What makes me remember people every morning when I wake up?

Words are all I had....and have.

One day, far from the forlorn present
The judjement day shall itself, present
When their opinions would not matter,
All the worldly delusions in shatter

I hope that then, you do not resent
What you did do, for your own reason
For what my heart has in here for you
Is just true love, & that ain't no treason

Love you shall find, and have a life,
With beauty, truth and happiness, rife
May you be happy; not like me, strive
I am probably the monkey with a knife

Alas ! this monkey thinks, and feels and has a brain
and sad he maybe for it all, When he feels all the pain
However he will smile along; while walking in the rain
He'll not let the tears well up; when soul feels the drain.

What has been my heart's loss, may it be your gain;
May you reach you destination, rise up the corporate chain
May you know what life is worth and what is worth the drain
But yes this is the truth my love, I may not love again

You know you know and yet your "no" ;
How would I understand
Than What I've held for you my love;
 There is no other thing more grand.

One day, O' lord make our eyes meet;
Even if I'm 70, having lived my life; complete;
I would still have from her one last wish;
On her forehead; just one loving kiss.

Purgatory.

Neither happy nor sad, neither restless nor at peace, neither angry nor calm, neither true nor false, neither consistent nor inconsistent, Neither clear nor blurred.

No hate but love.

And the point that I have been trying to make is that it is NOT such a big deal in general but it IS everything (well, almost everything) for me. 

Being punished for love makes little sense, does it. Do I deserve to be angry ? Am I wrong when I do, and is it that the love was not true? But my mother also gets angry at me ...when I irritate her...anger then is probably just a human weakness and not an acid test for love. 

I am just too engrossed by this one person. And the person seemingly can't be less engrossed. The operative word is "seemingly" . 

So long ago, ...another life....

A place in time

So long ago, another life,

I can feel your heatbeat

Its not a dream, remember us...

I can see it in your eyes.

We'll find our place sometime, A place in time

Beyond the sun

We'll find our place sometime, A place in time

To call our own.
______________________

Amen.

I wish the religions are right :)

Something makes me want to believe that soul exists, that afterlife exists. And I know it's my emotions. Its my yearning to know ..to express....so that maybe in the soul form, I can someday have my feelings expressed one-to-one and possibly returned.


Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind ? or is it a spotted mind ? :P

My soul still prays, and seeks.

Kyun yaad me aa jate hain ?

Unki khwahish hai, hoth hum na kholein,

Fir khayalo me itna dakhal kisliye ?

Yu kaha bhul jaane ko jaise humein

Kaam ka is tazurba bada ho gaya  ....


Ye to sach hai ke waisa kabhi na huaa..

Us haqeeqat ka humko tasavvur to tha...


Haq kahan tha tumhe faisle ka magar ..

Ye batane ka haq bhi nahi reh gaya.

Hum bhi jee lenge yu hi magar kuch zara

Ye hamesha lagega kami reh gai.


Muskuraeinge hum or hasenge magar

Yaar palkon me thodi nami reh gai.

Let it go . . . . if it comes back it was yours . . . . . . . if it does not . . . . .

Consider this one.

The three most difficult tasks in life are neither physical feats not are they intellectual achievents. Rather they are moral acts :

1. To return love for hate.
2. To include the excluded.
3. To say, “I was wrong”.

I know some things after all.

If only we had a society where people were encouraged from their birth to be themselves rather than becoming something else, we would have a lot more happiness around. There is enough love in each of us, just that we are taught to not trust, to the extent where we are told to not trust.....not to call a spade a spade and not spread the love within us. I myself have been closed to the world around me....not anymore ....not anymore.....


However, I am convinced that such a society deserves punishment, It deserves to be disintegrated and reformed, and I shall endeavor to accomplish it in my lifetime, just so that humans in the future have better vision and appreciation of what deserves the same.

Just one quote.

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” : Jim Morrison

Nightmares ?

Late night yesterday .... I was in the room alone...the room partner last night had been talking about seeing two old figures sitting at night in the room close to the refrigerator.....made me feel a little scared, so to get the feeling of not being alone, I slept with the television on. The TV channel was showing football...... I have blurry memories of dreaming about football somehow....I was probably inside a football stadium, watching some key game.... it is strange how I can't recall most of it. My sleep somehow got broken, and I was too lazy to turn the TV off, so I slept again just like that.

Then I had a nightmare. Somehow, in my dream, I was in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. I knew it was the Atlantic because I was on too familiar a ship, "The titanic". The view was enthralling....I somehow recalled with fondness in my dream itself, the first time when we bunked our class to watch the movie.

Suddenly I felt like the entire ship was sinking around me, but strangely, nobody was screaming. There was at this point, as I remember, a deafening sound of water rushing, and yet I felt nothing. No fear, no pain, no adrenaline rush....nothing . Amazingly, I could see nothing on the ship but one silhouette. The silhouette was unmistakable, although there was absolutely nothing I could see to be sure. It was as if magically, I just knew everything about it I felt it smile from inside the hood …it was a painful smile…an almost apologetic smile …………. I suddenly felt all the emotions rush into me as I became hopelessly scared and I just began gasping for breath. The heart was pounding as I tried to advance towards the figure....somehow as much as I tried, the floor of the ship would keep moving backwards or something, so that I effectively remained in the same position. I could not see what happened to that figure but I felt a sense of loss at letting it go. I somehow a sense of guilt at having allowed it to fall into the ocean...that somehow I was responsible. I felt a deep pain, a familiar feeling from not so long ago. It was as if something heavy loaded onto my chest, making breathing impossible.

I desperately and frantically sought to get to the place where the other figure was on the ship. It was as if it's survival meant everything to me now. But as nightmares have a nasty habit of making you feel helpless, so did this one. All of a sudden, the ship was gone ! there was no ship. The ocean was all around me. A giant circular wave roaring at great speed, taking me with it. I can not even closely reproduce that wave in my mind but the wave in the movie 2012 (which sweeps the "Ship" (USS J.F.Kennedy) ) was the closest that I can get.

The circular wave was all over me...the dark blue every where.....the night was so violent, yet there was no sound track in the dream at this point....I could hear nothing.... just the sound of silence.

I felt as if the waves would engulf me. Like nothing would ever be the same again. I felt like I would die. Somehow, I wanted to die for the guilt for letting that one person go away and suffer was too much.... and somehow I knew that this was the world that I had to live in forever... and this person was the only other person in this ship world. My world in the dream included just Just the ship and the silhouette figure ...not to mention the ocean and the sky with it's decorations.

I was overwhelmed with sentiments as It sunk in that even the silhouette was no longer to be seen. I started trying to swim across the stretch, and to find that person, but I do not even know how to swim, let alone saving someone's life. I just kept violently shaking my hands and legs, but somehow I could not make a move. I shouted, only to be responded with silence. I almost began to give up...feeling I would die without a purpose in the sea. The feeling of not being able to breathe made my terribly scared....and it was not the fear of death that caused the fear........

Then, suddenly, I woke up.


Reflecting on it makes me want to wake up again. But life is not so much of a dream.

Peace !

A thousand words.

Isn't life a huge parody ?

Every morning I wake up , 
I need you, I seek you
And along the path I , go on


Far across the distance, 
and spaces, between us
I just hope that the truth on you shall dawn.


Near, far ...wherever you are.
Once its there, the bond does; go on.
Its okay, if you're not so sure...
You're still here in my heart and,
My heart will go on and on.   (Till I die :P ) 


Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetie,
and never go till, we're gone.


Love is now I love you,
One true time, I'll hold to.
In my life will always, go on,


Near, far.... wherever you are
Once its there, the bond does; go on.
I'm sure, my purpose is pure
and you're here in my heart and
My heart will go on, and; on.


Me amor; you deserved so much more.
May you have it all that you want
World may stay, not ever this way,
but you're safe in my heart 
And my heart will go on, and;on.

So much for a friendship

We tend to often find value, happiness and even purpose in others. When friends are made, they are not made out of choice but out of chance. The commitment is mutual to have a positive attitude to the other and to trust each other. The term "love" has become too "misused" and seems to mean just "romantic love" these days but friendship is love itself, and probably a less selfish form at that. Although all forms of human attachment including Love are probably illusory and may well be selfish at the very core , it is still the best and probably the least selfish form that exists.


It is interesting to see that in this world, fear beats the more benign sentiments fair and square.

Worthy Pursuits

In life, we all have our own sets of dreams and ambitions. We come up with our own set of rules withing which we play to get to those dreams. We seek our objectives with relentless motivation, however, sometimes our beliefs makes us look the other way when our dreams stare us in the face. Again the opposite is also often true. It is often the case that when we try to get hold of our dreams, the dream remains elusive. I could just have said that some things are simply not meant to be. However, being both a thinking and a feeling person, I know that the world is not so important. Neither myself nor anyone else really matters. think on the earth scale and our lives are so insignificant ! If things are so insignificant and nothing is worth anything .....why can't people understand that bonds, if any; must be cut down. Inhibitions must be lost and freedom must be sought.

Freedom from thought control of all sorts, including the conventional media, the social expectations and from ignorance. Ignorance causes control of one's own ego on one's own actions. Enlightenment, (even if merely intellectual and not spiritual) can liberate. It can help one see the truth in life. It can help one realize the truth .


Fears, if any must be forgotten.

Pains if any must be healed.


And feelings (of oneself and others) must be understood, seen for what they are and appreciated.

The question is: "Would that make the world a better place to live ? " .

To eradicate poverty: eradicate the poor ?

Mumbai has been kind on and for many of the 1.3 Crore people that live here. However, one can't help but feel that somehow people are just living out their lives, blissfully ignoring the fact that they need a purpose in life. We look for purpose in money, in objects, in satisfying our cravings and what not. There is however a section of people for whom the purpose seems to be mere existence. Dharavi has the largest section of people who have a very short term purpose in life: "Making sure they survive the day" . The plight of the people makes me wonder about their need to exist. Even if they do survive the battle for life today, they do so only to fight the next day. Would it not be prudent then for them to be executed like Adolf Hitler did to the Jews ? It is not that I am a barbarian, just that to me; an existence for the sake of existence is the most painful thing in life. I have been through a phase recently where I felt the same pain of being purposeless. It made me want to die. Albeit briefly, I did contemplate how death would rid me of all misery. However, My case was a bit different. I had a life, a good job, a family to die for and A vision for the world that I wish to contribute towards. I might have not managed some battles well but the war was still on. The blur of loss did fade eventually, and although memories still linger and sting often, there is hope for the future on all fronts.

But what about these poor people? These are looked at as mere vote banks by the politicians and are pampered before every election.They would be served with desi daaru and Kebabs and be expected to vote for the corresponding leader. That Is democracy for you.  All emotions of happiness, sadness, joy, sorrow, anger pain etc. loose their existence when it comes to the basic need to feed and exist. Its the amygdala that responds and turns our animal instincts on. What is the use of existence without emotions and dignity ? An emotionless individual, to me is anything but human. Would it thus not be fair to simply kill these people in order to eradicate poverty ?

I am probably not being very honest in my approach since I have been a little pissed off lately so I would revisit the blog with the other side of the argument. And that would be a large post. Till then,  I would keep wondering if I have arrived at the ultimate solution for poverty: And I am not kidding.

Does god play nice ?

Well to start off, I was thinking of writing of something light, something funny, something that would probably be a little more spicy, but as a part of the build up to this blog, (probably because I really wanted to write something meaningful) I decided to ask some questions to myself… So as an experiment, I just typed out all the questions that I could come up with at that point in time. The last question that I managed to write was: “Does god play dice?”. Since I did not exactly want to copy the FAQ, I decided to modify the question a little and write.

The first and the “yet-to-be-convincingly-debunked” theory of everything postulated by mankind was “God” . If for once we decide to accept the hypothesis that a wise guy from the sky is responsible for everything that happens, it explains pretty much everything. The only sad part however is that the proponents are too often found wanting for lack of evidence. I do not intend to go into an argument into the existence of the almighty (although I am mightily tempted to do the same). All I intend to contemplate (and probably insinuate) is that for the creator of the alpha and the omega (if it exists); there may not really have any standards of good or bad. For that “I-know-it-all” guy, Existence of human emotions may not be anything beyond a few strings of genetic codes and chemical sequences which cause specific activities in specific parts of the human body.

It is our perceptions; essentially our thought processes that make us make judgments of good and evil, right and wrong, good and bad. But what if the “God” perspective is large enough to appreciate that pain is identical to pleasure, joy to sorrow, happiness to sadness, love to hatred and so on??

That would imply that “God”, (given it exists) would have no reason to interfere with the universe, let alone playing favorites in favor of the good guys. To extend the argument, a “God” which would not even interfere with the universe, would have no reason to create the universe. (Since of all entities, why would the creator create the universe in the first place when the very act of creation means setting up a sequence of events, which according to the philosophy of determinism, essentially makes the universe completely predictable and hence “controlled” and not “random”.) The premise is therefore violated and it suggests that the universe should not have had an intelligent creator.

Now since the above suggests the non existence of an actively involved “God”, It still leaves the possibility of a passive one. How about calling that god as something that truly exists everywhere ? Something that tends to emerge out of nothing and without any effort . Well for those who’re still wondering, how about calling that thing “Chaos” ? If we decide to attribute everything to chaos, we would subtly be appreciating the fact that chaos itself leads to order, although in a transitory manner. The flashes of brilliant organization and order that we see in the universe are actually events outside the mean (+/-) 3 sigma range of probabilities.

One of the Masonic 33rd degree mottos states: “Ordo ab chao”, showing the appreciation that the society has had of chaos as the precursor of order. So if I am trying to look at chaos as the supreme force in the universe, I guess it should be okay.

Talking about chaos, one might want to consider watching the movie “The butterfly effect” starring Eric Lively, Erica Durance & Dustin Milligan (for that would help relate better to the following). The point that I am trying to make is that in a chaos system (e.g. the universe) , even an apparently insignificant change in just one of the systemic variables can cause dramatic events in time. The term “butterfly effect” was probably chosen to suggest the awe inspiring idea that something as seemingly little as the flap of a butterfly’s wings can initiate a chain of events to ultimately cause a hurricane of the order of Katrina on the other side of the globe (or for that matter, on the same side. ;) )

The butterfly effect has serious implications on the entire projections business. Be it climate science, financial analytics (our very thing :P ) or hardcore engineering models (not to mention the astrological predictions :P ) they all suffer from this inherent weakness where a variable considered to be insignificant and thus ignored can cause the real world results to be totally out of sync with the projections.

We all love simplifications, our mind loves to believe in simple and smart sounding arguments. Add to it the human arrogance of not accepting our limits, and we try to come up with models to project every damn thing in the world. We try to go way beyond what we are capable of….and then in the process, we expand our horizons. That is a good thing, but the questions to be asked are :

"To what extent should our decision making be based on such projections ?"
"Do the models of probability, or to simplify it, does the past hold enough information to predict the future …..?"
And even if it does, can we really hope to incorporate it all into our projection ? Why then do we try to make long term projections like India having a GDP of USD 37,668 Billion in 2050?
(Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BRIC#.282003.29_Dreaming_with_BRICs:_The_Path_to_2050)
The "butterfly effect" also has implications related to our personal lives. For example, something like a mosquito that bit you today may impact your mood to take a decision that could change the course of your life. A little glass full of “stuff” can definitely make you take a decision that alters everything in your life. A few milliliters of hormones can make you desperate enough to decide to marry and regret the decision for the rest of your life. And how can I forget? An idea, can change your life…… (Or the little B might be a little unhappy :P ) talking about the ideas, Is it not true that ideas and beliefs matter most in life….and yes, so do convictions.
Talking about convictions, I would just like to state one of my own: I look at myself as an Objectivist, and believe in pursuing my own happiness and rational self interest. I believe that a certain “reality” exists, though it may not exactly correspond to the reality that we perceive in the world.

Perceptions are all that we can be certain of….it is amazing to understand from an academic standpoint that everything, (including space and time) is relative and may be different to a different observer. I cannot really afford go into the intricacies, but the implications are profound. I have always dreamt of the day when mankind would at least come close to the speed barrier. Of the day when we would have inter galactic travel and inhabit planets across the universe. It is obvious that we need to do it. As the Russian scientist Konstantin Tsiolkovsky said, “The Earth is the cradle of mankind, but one cannot remain in the cradle forever.” Sooner or later, we as a species have to face the challenge of moving on beyond the earth, if not because of an external threat (like a comet, asteroid etc.), it would probably be our own virus-like growth that would make it unavoidable that we pick other planets in suitable solar systems to inhabit. Talking about our growth reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite movies of all time: “The matrix”.

Agent Smith (An Artificially intelligent entity says this to the human protagonist (Neo) and I quote ) : “I'd like to share a revelation that I’ve had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species, and I realized that humans are not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment; but you humans do not. Instead you multiply, and multiply, until every resource is consumed. The only way for you to survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern... a virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer on this planet, you are a plague, and we... are the cure.”

Interestingly, as a species; we seem to have found the ultimate motivation in growth and not in sustainability. The rush is so blind that all that the only thing that media talks and talks about sustaining is growth itself. I recently read in Alan Greenspan’s “The age of turbulence” that on an average, human productivity grows at something around 2 to 3 percent every year. Why then do we seek to create artificial growth of the order of 7, 8 , 9 , 10 and above (percentages) ? Besides, growth has been reduced mostly to mere numbers. Whatever happened to development? The policy of monetary expansion (read: debasement of the currency) is the new mantra for growth for several economies. The currency is already a major tool for protectionism (which I do not have a problem with though). We find economies like the USA with their sovereign debt rated at the highest possible level while the nation keeps printing greenbacks and borrowing more and more even as municipal and state government bonds yields begin to rise due to rising fears of defaults left right and center.

I think I am overextending myself into something which I am not exactly be an expert of yet, so let me come back to some things which really give value to life and which I am much more sure about. Off course, the big things in life really do matter, and must be pursued. Things like standing up for your beliefs and fighting the odds no matter what happens, that promotion and that dream of owning an island matter a lot as well, however, there are some very small things which we often tend to forget in the (often mad) rush to our goals in life. Its often that little kid smiling at you by the roadside, or that friend you did not talk to in a while. It is often just telling someone that you love them so much that nothing would matter more to you than having you by their side. It is often just going out there and getting soaked in the rain on the bike while speeding way beyond what you can think is within your range of control…it could be playing that awesome composition on your keypad (or for that matter any instrument, I chose keypad since that’s the only instrument that I can play as of now) …It could well be saying a “sorry” which could mean a lot to someone… whatever it is, if it makes you happy and content; by all means, do it. And do it now…. Now that is a conviction that I have.

I am just another guy with his own sets of aspirations, dreams, fears thoughts and beliefs, however I do tend to try sometimes to be myself…. To be “something original” as John Nash used to say (Off course in the movie, “A beautiful mind”: P) Again originality may be an illusion given every bit that one knows has been learnt from the interaction with the external world but it is an illusion that I still chose to pursue. I say this since I may have crossed the boundaries of objectivism in this post a few times, and I request you all to pardon me for any logical or moral inconsistencies, if any. I have a CCAP class to attend at 9 tomorrow morning so I’ve really got to rush homewards now that I’ve stayed till 10:49 PM just to write all this.

Thanks for reading.